Give Peace a Chance
by Stefan Twoflower Gagne
Summary: Ryouga's older brother shows up in town, and unlike the rest of Ranma 1/2, he's a pacifist. Hijinks ensue.


Ranma 1/2 : Give Peace a Chance  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own pancreas to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
This is rather a lot like the 'Akane and Her Sisters'(tm viz  
video all rights reserved touch our trademarks and you die a slow  
agonizing death) plot, in that it deals with family conflicts  
over who gets the dojo. For a change, though, it's not centering  
on the Tendos, but on the Hibikis.  
  
In advance, I apologize if I mung up any facts about  
Ryouga's family. Most of the family information on characters  
other than the Tendos is obscure to the point of being unfindable  
(take for example Shampoo's father, who is in maybe five panels  
of the entire manga series). I know about Ryouga's house and  
dog, but had to make guesses about the father. As far as I know,  
no siblings have been uncovered yet, so that shouldn't be a  
problem.  
  
Like all my Ranma stories, this one has more realistic  
overtones, but it's far sillier than Juyza's Lyric. Sort of a  
mix of the comedy in March of the Pigs and the character  
relationships of JL. Works for me. I probably should have done  
it in script format because of all the Tarintinoesque dialogue  
runs, but I prefer story format, on the whole.  
  
As usual, postscript will be available with character and  
development information for those who dig that stuff. For now...  
  
-=-  
  
On the far side of Tokyo exists a house that has been owned  
for generations and generations. Legally, it houses at least  
fifty people. You can't FIT fifty people in there, but there are  
at least fifty registered tenants in the house. Fortunately,  
these two facts never conflict.  
  
Although there are fifty members of the Hibiki family, at  
any given point in time less than a dozen will be home.   
Sometimes, the house is completely uninhabited for weeks, dust  
gathering on the family shrines, the dojo, the cheap furniture  
and cheaper futons. A British mathematics major at Cambridge  
managed to coast his way into a high-end job by presenting a  
formula, time-indexed, that showed exactly how may Hibikis would  
be home at any given second. (He lost that job when people  
realized that the Hibiki Equation didn't take into account the  
family dog.)  
  
Examine if you will two particular instances in the Hibiki  
Equation. One takes us near present day, the other drags us  
years into the past.  
  
The latter totals up to three Hibikis present. You could  
hear the sounds of anger and whooshes of limbs being pushed  
through the air as one Hibiki, known as Ryouga, practiced in the  
family dojo. His brother, Kosumo Hibiki, leaned against the  
doorway, watching the younger sibling attack a strange dummy he  
had made.  
  
Ryouga dealt a menacing blow to the practice dummy, sending  
it flying across the dojo. Its pigtailed form landed in a heap  
at Kosumo's feet.  
  
"Busy?" Kosumo asked.  
  
"Preparing," Ryouga nodded, walking over to get the dummy.  
  
"I have noticed this. You have been preparing for a month  
now, only for the life of me, I cannot tell what for. What  
happened to our bouts? I look back at a time where you used to  
challenge me on a daily basis..."  
  
"Just because you're the strongest fighter in the family  
doesn't give YOU the right to flaunt that," Ryouga said, pointing  
an accusing finger.  
  
"I am not trying to flaunt," Kosumo insisted, backing off  
slightly. "I am just wondering, why the sudden loss in interest  
in your sibling rivalry? Have you given up your meaningless  
grudge against me?"  
  
"Postponed," Ryouga said, sticking the dummy back into its  
peghole on the ground. "I've got a bigger fish to fry. See this  
idiot?"  
  
"That is a straw dummy, Ryouga-kun, not a person."  
  
"This jerk has the AUDACITY to steal my lunch," Ryouga  
snarled. "Day after day. He just LOVES showing off, swiping my  
bread."  
  
"I was wondering why you have been stealing snacks after  
school day after day," Kosumo said. "So, you have decided to  
concentrate on pounding him instead of me. This may make my life  
easier, but it is still not healthy for you."  
  
"You don't get it, do you?" Ryouga asked, leaning on the  
dummy. "You're the one Mom and Dad always brag about as being  
the best warrior the Hibiki family has ever produced. Me, I'm  
just number two. No points for number two. You just love to rub  
that in!"  
  
"I do? Since when?"  
  
"You know... since... always!"  
  
Kosumo shook his head and sighed. "Sorry you feel that way,  
brother, but who am I to dictate how you run your life? Shift  
your anger from me to this pigtailed monster of yours, I suppose  
it does not matter. I just hope you learn to lose that anger one  
of these days before it gets you killed."  
  
With that, Kosumo calmly walked upstairs, ignoring Ryouga's  
fuming and grimacing.  
  
Humph. What did HE know of suffering?! Ryouga thought.   
I'll deal with him later. For now...  
  
"RANMA SAOTOME!" Ryouga called to the winds, pounding on the  
dummy one last time. "Today is the day I shall break you!"  
  
Ryouga ran out of the dojo at top speed, grabbing his  
umbrella and pack on the way out the door.  
  
*  
  
"How's the training coming, son?" the elder Hibiki asked,  
from behind a wall of newspaper. "I heard you down in the dojo.   
Sounded like you were quite busy!"  
  
"Oh, that was not me, father," Kosumo said, plopping down at  
the dining room table and seeking out the nearest snack bowl.   
"Just Ryouga-kun. Looks like he's having a conflict with a  
schoolmate. Off to try and prove his worth again, I guess."  
  
"He has quite an image to live up to," the father nodded,  
face still obscured. "Having an older brother of such talent!"  
  
"So I am a capable fighter," Kosumo shrugged. "No need to  
go on and on about it..."  
  
"DIE, RANMA!!!" Ryouga screamed, tearing through the room  
like a yellow and black cheetah. In less than a second he was  
out the basement dojo door and through the front door, headed in  
the wrong direction to the lot behind his house.  
  
"There he goes," Kosumo said. "Hope he does well. Hope he  
comes back sometime this year, for that matter. He is just like  
his sister, too headstrong and determined he is in the right...  
where is Iyanako, anyway?"  
  
"She said she was off to her friend Akari's house."  
  
"Training again," Kosumo mumbled to himself. "Well, hope  
she makes it back safely. Hope Ryouga makes it back safely."  
  
"Go after him, Kosumo."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"You heard me, boy. I'd go myself, but I'm not done the  
sports page, and I want a first hand account of how he fights  
outside the dojo. Ryouga shows promise, but needs guidance and  
observation. He gets too obsessed with his opponents."  
  
"You sure, father? I mean, you know us Hibikis have a bit  
of a guidance problem to begin with..."  
  
"Stop perpetuating that rumor that our family has no  
directional sense," the father warned. "It's a blatant lie."  
  
"Hai, sir," Kosumo nodded, getting up. "I had better go  
anyway. He might need backup, and I would not want the little  
fool getting hurt. See you next month."  
  
"I'll expect you back before dinner time, young man! Your  
mother is preparing teriyaki eel."  
  
"Hope she gets back from the store in time to cook it,"  
Kosumo joked, grabbing his backpack and heading out.  
  
Ryouga broke left when he ran out the door; Kosumo went  
straight. The lot was to the right. If you check the Hibiki  
Equation at that point, you'll get one member (not including the  
dog), which is accurate and holds true up until the second point  
in time.  
  
*  
  
Approximately two years pass. There the H.E. clocks two  
members in the house, the second entering through the front door.  
  
"YO! POP!" Kosumo screeched. "Home!"  
  
"You're late for dinner," his father said.  
  
"Man, you been sittin' there for two years!? That's gotta  
be one interesting newspaper," Kosumo joked, bounding across the  
room in a single leap and landing at the table. "How's kicks?"  
  
"My kicks have not degraded any since our last sparring  
match," the father said.  
  
"Not my meaning, pop. Hey, old man, put the paper down!   
Don't you wanna greet your oldest son face to face or something?"  
  
Elder Hibiki did just that, and immediately wished he  
hadn't. The assault of tacky, day glow colors was more than his  
eyes could handle.  
  
"Whoa! Pop! You stable?" Kosumo asked, leaning forward.   
The father squinted, eyes trying to cope with the color wash.  
  
"What did you do to your clothing, child?" he asked,  
examining the strange tye-dye and fractal patterns on his shirt  
and pants, complete with psychedelic bandanna to top the outfit  
off.  
  
"Dig the threads? Do not adjust your set," Kosumo said,  
striking a pose. "Got 'em in America. A real steal, bartered  
'em for three Dead CDs. That's where I've been, stateside, man,  
it's a blast."  
  
"You went to America?!" the father asked, gaping.  
  
"Not originally. So, like, I was tagging after Ryouga and  
kinda lost track of him, and I kept going looking for him, and  
like a week later I was in this weird camp. These great guys,  
you'd like 'em, dad, they're called Deadheads? Anyway, they took  
me in and were cool about it."  
  
"My god," Dad exclaimed, taking in this new information and  
coming to the horrible realization... "They've turned my son  
into a gaijin!!"  
  
"Well, the techy term means one of foreign descent, which I  
ain't, pop," Kosumo said. "Family name still be Hibiki."  
  
"Kosumo, what is the meaning of your tone? And those  
strange phrases... what language is this?"  
  
"Japanese, pop, just with a bit of a spin. And it's  
'Cosmo', not Kosumo. Man, what a trip I've taken. Toured with  
the Dead for awhile, then switched to go see Pink Floyd... had  
fun... whoo. I figured I oughtta come home though, seeing as how  
it's been like two years or something. You got a calendar? Time  
means nothing on the road. I think it's March, but I could be  
completely in left field..."  
  
"While you are under the Hibiki roof, young man, you will  
ACT like one!" Father shouted, getting to his feet. "None of  
this... slang! And you will destroy those horrible garments NOW.   
If you were not this dojo's top martial artist, I would cast you  
out to the streets for the dishonor you have brought upon  
yourself!"  
  
"Eh? Martial arts? Oh, I ditched that a long time ago,  
pop."  
  
"WHAT?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?"  
  
"Whoa. Heavy. Think you can slap a few more punctuation  
marks on that one, pop?"  
  
"YOU... 'DITCHED' MARTIAL ARTS?"  
  
"Weeeell..." Cosmo stated, propping his head up with a spare  
hand while reaching for the snack bowl, "See, I got to thinking,  
what good's it ever gotten me? Like, in the real world, people  
don't solve problems by beating them up. Make love, man, not  
conflict. War. Same thing. So I decided to concentrate on some  
of the more important things in life."  
  
"What could me more important than martial arts?!"  
  
"Oh, I dunno, good cooking, conversation, gardening,  
watching sunsets--"  
  
"You have brought DISGRACE upon this house, Kosumo!" the  
father ranted, pacing around the room.  
  
"Cosmo, Dad. Cosmo. That's what everybody calls me."  
  
The father held his face in his hands. Why? Why has fate  
chosen to drop his boy, his most able fighter, into the hands of  
a bunch of brainwashing gaijin? What sins had he committed to  
warrant such a shame upon this noble dojo?  
  
Or could this be a test? Was there hope for him?  
  
"I have decided," Mr. Hibiki intoned. Cosmo sat back,  
listening. "You, KOSUMO, must go visit your brother Ryouga and  
he will re-train you to be the noble warrior you once were. You  
may not set foot in this house again until you are once again  
able to defeat your brother in combat!"  
  
"Bummer," Cosmo said.  
  
"Yes. BUMMER."  
  
"Don't think so, Dad," Cosmo said, getting up. "Look, I  
know you must be like broken up since I decided not to walk in  
your footsteps, but man, that's just not me anymore. I'm a  
pacifist. Can't you get Sis to handle the fighting? Or Ryouga,  
even. He was pretty cool even back then at busting heads.   
Someone else can carry on the name."  
  
"Your sister is not a fighter," father said. "As for  
Ryouga... well... he has changed since last you saw him. Some  
new obsession is tying him to this backward suburb of Tokyo  
called Nerima. The Hibiki dojo requires a strong man and a  
proven fighter to carry it on, which has ALWAYS been your  
destiny. This strange mental disease you have gotten can be  
conquered. Go to your brother. Train. Do it for your father."  
  
"I guess I could stop by and see how the l'il rugrat is  
doing," Cosmo mused. "Oh, alright. I'll do it. But I dunno  
about this training deal. I'll ponder it a spot, howzzat?"  
  
"I trust you shall see the light, Kosumo," father nodded.  
  
"That's COSMO."  
  
*  
  
Cosmo skipped along Tokyo's sidewalks, careful not to step  
on any cracks.  
  
"Yeesh, Daddo really flew off the handle there," he  
commented aloud. "Wasn't expecting THAT. Hate to like see him  
royally ticked because I don't break arms anymore, but it's just  
gotta be. Right, Floyd?"  
  
There was a slight scrabbling sound in Cosmo's backpack. A  
fluffy ear popped out of the loosely buckled cover, followed by  
the rest of the head. The yellow bunny twitched its nose at  
Cosmo from behind his head.  
  
"I wouldn't mind seeing Ryouga again, though," Cosmo said,  
continuing his brisk pace. "Wonder how his fight went with that  
pig-tailed guy. Hope he didn't kill him. That would suck  
majorly."  
  
The rabbit wuffled in agreement.  
  
"Wonder if anybody's looking at me funny, talking to a  
rabbit," Cosmo said. "Hey, they are. Mister! Don't worry! I'm  
just talking to the rabbit, I'm not crazy or anything! Oh, he's  
running away. Foo."  
  
Cosmo considered this a few times, spun the idea around in  
his head, and once it passed through his remaining brain cells,  
dropped it like a hot potato.  
  
"Kinda weird talking to a rabbit though," Cosmo said. "I  
mean hey, I read somewhere that rabbits only have one memory  
register or something. In one ear and out the other, huh?"  
  
The rabbit narrowed its eyes at him angrily.  
  
"Okay, okay, sheesh, didn't mean to insult you," Cosmo  
protested, catching the dirty look in the corner of his eye. "I  
knew you were one smart bunny when I found you in that stadium.   
Kept me company through the rest of the Pink Floyd tour, gotta  
'preciate that. Want a carrot when we get to Nerima?"  
  
The rabbit nodded, and slipped back into Cosmo's pack for a  
quick nap.  
  
"Shame Sunshine isn't here," Cosmo grinned. "She likes  
carrots too. Probably would feed you a few... ah... ACHOO!"  
  
Cosmo jumped a full inch with the shock of the sneeze,  
startled by the impact. The rabbit in his pack bounced around,  
thumping against the thick padding and wuffling in an annoyed  
manner.  
  
"Sorry," Cosmo apologized to his pet, wiping his nose on his  
sleeve. "Man, that was a killer snotblast. You know, if I was  
superstitious, I could interpret that as someone thinking about  
me. Good thing I'm superstitious."  
  
*  
  
P-Chan grrrred in his sleep, snuggled up in Akane's arms.   
Akane noticed, and looked down at the snoozing pig. Must be  
having a nightmare, she supposed.  
  
She continued petting her pig, waiting for magic hour to  
roll around. Ranma wouldn't be able to escape her food THIS  
night; she quietly cooked up and substituted some of her own  
cuisine for Kasumi's while the elder sister was out at the store.  
  
Nobody knew, in fact. They'd know at dinnertime, of course,  
when they'd be happily eating her meal. THEN she could drop the  
bomb and tell them she made it. How surprised they'd be!  
  
See, Akane had a theory; the only reason her cooking was bad  
is because people expected it was bad. If they KNEW she cooked  
something, the brain would send Bad Taste messages to the tongue.   
Under the guise of someone else's food, however, she could prove  
that she COULD cook after all!  
  
As long as nobody notices the mess she made in the kitchen.  
  
"I'm back!" Kasumi announced, wandering in through the front  
door. "Dinner should be done cooking in five minutes."  
  
"Can't wait!" Akane cheered.  
  
"You seem quite happy today," Kasumi noted, pulling off her  
coat. "Something up?"  
  
"I'll tell you about it later," Akane smiled. This was it!   
She'd be vindicated of her label of Lousy Cook before the night  
was over.  
  
"Bwee?" P-Chan emitted, eyes slowly opening.  
  
"Awake just in time for dinner, P-Chan," Akane told him,  
scratching him behind the ears. "Should be pretty good!"  
  
*  
  
"WATER! WATER!" Ranma screamed, running around the dinner  
table, face cycling through all the colors of the rainbow.  
  
Nabiki regarded him with amusement, picking through the  
parts of her meal that weren't Akane-tainted. "Ranma, if had  
been a bit more observant, you would have noticed the weird  
discolorations on those noodles. Oh well." With that, she  
passed him a glass of water, without the glass.  
  
"GLORP!" Ranma gurgled, hit by the impact of the water. She  
shook her head dry, annoyed. "That wasn't funny!"  
  
"Hey, you wanted water," Nabiki smiled.  
  
"Strange behavior for Kasumi's noodles," Soun noted, poking  
at the strange purple-spotted strands. "Akane, could you have  
cooked this?"  
  
"No, I didn't cook it!" Akane protested. "Really! Kasumi  
did the whole meal. Umm, but is it really that bad?"  
  
"Everything but the noodles is fine. Kasumi, did you  
accidentally use sugar instead of salt again?" Nabiki asked.  
  
"I followed the recipe to the letter," Kasumi said. "I  
wonder how I went wrong... Something wrong, Akane?"  
  
"Hmm? No... just a little disappointed," Akane said,  
hugging P-Chan a little tighter out of dismay.  
  
KNCOKNOCKNOCNKCN COKCCONNKCNCONCKNOCKK. The bang of hand on  
wood echoed from the front door, reverberating nicely off the  
silverware.  
  
"Oh my. Who could that be?" Kasumi asked.  
  
"I'll get it," Ranma said, finishing up wringing out her  
shirt. "Be right back."  
  
Akane noticed the suspicious glare from Ranma, but ignored  
it and continued eating her food. Not the noodles, however.  
  
*  
  
Ranma swung the door open.  
  
"Ryouga?!" she gaped.  
  
"Sorry! You don't win the Daily Double. We have some nice  
parting gifts for you, however," Cosmo mocked, flashing a poor-  
dental-work grin.  
  
"Excuse me?" Ranma pardoned, confused.  
  
"You were pretty close, actually, dudette... I'm looking for  
my younger bro, Ryouga. The little upstart around?"  
  
"Wait. You're Ryouga's BROTHER?" Ranma asked, an evil grin  
crawling over her face.  
  
"You noticed the family resemblance, yeah. Anyway, I was  
just wandering through town looking for him, and some of the  
locals say they've spotted him around this dojo occasionally...  
he holing up here?"  
  
"Maaaybe," Ranma said. "Here, follow me. Let's ask."  
  
"Gotcha," Cosmo nodded. "Lead the way."  
  
*  
  
"Hey everybody!" Ranma called from around the corner.   
"We've got a visitor!"  
  
"Hey, gang," Cosmo waved, peeking in from around the corner.  
  
Ranma watched P-Chan's reaction with amused interest. The  
pig's eyes flew open as if he was looking at a ghost. Possibly  
worse than a ghost; maybe a third class demon with all the  
trimmings. P-Chan growled, then leapt from Akane's arm, making a  
beeline for the boy, jaws open.  
  
"Whoa!" Cosmo yelped, and snatched the pig from mid-air.   
"Easy there, furry thing."  
  
"Apparently, this boy is Ryouga's brother," Ranma explained.   
"Says he followed a trail here. Anybody here seen Ryouga?"  
  
The Tendo family collectively shook its heads.  
  
"Hmmm. I guess the jerk wandered off again. Bad sense of  
direction, that RyougOOOWWWW!"  
  
Ranma waved her arm around, trying to shake the tiny piglet  
off. P-Chan tightened his bite-clamp on her hand. Ranma-chan  
ran around the room, smashing the pig against any solid surface  
she could in an effort to knock it off. "Get off, you annoying  
little--"  
  
WHAM. Down came the table, food and all, driving Ranma  
through the floorboards.  
  
"QUIT PICKING ON P-CHAN!!" Akane demanded posthumously.   
Ranma mumbled something incoherent, blocked by the tonnage of the  
table and a lot of spilled food.  
  
"Umm... have I, like, come at a bad time or something?"  
Cosmo asked, frozen in spot out of fear.  
  
Nobody noticed P-Chan crawl out from under the table  
wreckage and dart upstairs.  
  
*  
  
HIM?! NOW?!  
  
Ryouga finished spraying himself down with the handheld  
shower. Of all the people to show up, it had to be Kosumo.   
Probably just waiting to rub my nose in my failure to pound Ranma  
so far. Ryouga wouldn't put it past the baka.  
  
Whatever Kosumo was here for, hopefully he'd be done with it  
soon and go away. The last thing Ryouga needed hanging around  
while he was busy pounding Ranma and/or pursuing Akane was  
another Hibiki.  
  
Somehow, though, he seemed different. Ryouga considered  
this while pulling on his clothing (carefully stashed under a  
loose bathroom tile and floorboard, since he had taken up  
temporary residency in the house as a pig). What was with his  
outlandish outfit? Plus he was talking funny...  
  
Whatever. He could be dealt with quickly, before it was  
time to go to bed with Akane. Ryouga crept out of the bathroom,  
slipped into Ranma's room and out the window.  
  
After all, it would look awfully weird for him to come in  
from the bathroom.  
  
*  
  
"Sorry I inadvertently caused the destruction of your grub,"  
Cosmo apologies.  
  
"It's alright, the noodles weren't that good anyway," Nabiki  
said, helping Kasumi pick up the remains of the food from the  
floor.  
  
"Would you quit going on about the noodles, Nabiki?" Akane  
requested, putting the table back into place. "Okay, so I cooked  
them. I was just testing a theory."  
  
"Ah, scientific method," Cosmo nodded. "Pretty cool  
reasoning. Gotta test the bounds of what we know and don't know,  
ya know?"  
  
"It COULD have worked if I hadn't accidentally dumped food  
dye in the mix. I'm such a bad cook," Akane grumped.  
  
"I know a thing or two about burning protein supplements,"  
Cosmo said. "If you want, I could show you how to cook. Or at  
least not cook as badly. I'll be in town for awhile."  
  
"Err... thanks for the offer, mister..."  
  
"Call me Cosmo. Or Cos. Or just C. Your pick," Cosmo  
suggested. "Err, shouldn't someone be attending to the girl you  
whanged through the floor like a cheap railroad spike? Nice  
follow-through on the swing, by the way. Sign of a master."  
  
*KNOCK*.  
  
"More visitors?" Kasumi asked, looking up from her cleaning.   
"My, the house is popular tonight."  
  
"I'll get it," Akane said, getting up from her seat. Cosmo  
followed her, tailing along like he was glued to her (albeit  
glued three or four feet away).  
  
Ryouga opened the door of his own accord, grabbed his  
brother, and pulled him outside. He shut the door just as fast  
as he had opened it.  
  
"Hello," Akane said, after the fact. Weird.  
  
*  
  
"Alright, what're YOU doing here?" Ryouga asked, pulling  
Cosmo aside.  
  
"Gee, glad to see you too, bro," Cosmo added sarcastically.   
"Whad'ya pull me out of there for? It was just getting  
interesting."  
  
"What happened to you, anyway?" Ryouga asked. "You look  
like you got into a fight with a paint store and lost."  
  
"Long story. Where you staying? Let's get home, I'm gonna  
be in town for a few days."  
  
"I'm staying here disguised as Akane's pet pig," Ryouga  
didn't say.  
  
"Nowhere in particular," Ryouga said. "Camping out here and  
there."  
  
"Ah. Road life," Cosmo said. "Lord knows I'm like THIS  
with that. Glad to see you, man! Missed you on those two years  
I spent in the boonies. What's new? Whack that pigtailed guy  
yet? By the day, Dad says if you don't train me to like martial  
arts again the family will experience dishonor or something like  
that. Who's that girl back in the house with the short blue-  
black hair?"  
  
"Wait. Back up a sentence," Ryouga said. "Dishonor?   
What's this about liking martial arts?"  
  
"Long version or short version?"  
  
"Long would work," Ryouga said. "Come on, I'm guessing you  
haven't eaten yet. Let's go to a local restaurant and catch up."  
  
"You're being rather hospitable to someone you wanted to  
tear limb from limb twenty five months ago," Cosmo noted  
suspiciously.  
  
"I'm hospitable only as long as it suits me," Ryouga warned.   
"Once you get what you came for, I want you OUT of my life.   
Clear?"  
  
"Harsh. Okay, I can deal. Make sure this restaurant you're  
picking has carrots, by the way."  
  
*  
  
"Anyway, I got lost looking for you, which I was kinda  
expecting given the Hibiki Get Lost Real Quick Power. I wasn't  
expecting to end up on the wrong side of the Pacific, however.   
Go fig, eh? Can't even remember crossing a large body of water.  
  
"I wander up to this huge group of people, dressed kinda  
like I am now. Deadheads, they're called, although some of them  
hated the term. They greet me and welcome me to their tour  
group. I have a few brownies. Things start getting fun. Maybe  
a little too fun, but hey, fun is fun and it was a pretty alien  
concept to me at the time.  
  
"I hung with them for a few months, on a concert tour with  
this really wildly amazing band, you gotta hear 'em. Strange  
days those were, but fun; man, I didn't know fun like this  
existed outta Tokyo! I think they had stuff in their food,  
though, because things were a TOO strange sometimes. One nice  
side effect was that I could suddenly find my way to places  
without getting lost, so it couldn't have been all bad."  
  
Cosmo paused in his narration, slurping up some noodles.   
After chewing and making sure Floyd was munching his carrot  
happily, he asked, "Ryouga, mind if I do a bridging comparison?"  
  
"A what?"  
  
"You know that girl back at the dojo? Akane, I think?"  
Cosmo asked. "I met this girl who looks a LOT like her. They  
could be twins, if it wasn't for this girl's blonde hair. Said  
her name was Sunshine. Anyway, I split off from the tour group  
as mentioned and started tagging with her. Apparently she won a  
megahuge pot in a lottery and was spending it on the concert  
circuit.  
  
"She like opened my eyes even more, man. I saw that martial  
arts was okay and all, but most of my family had an obsession  
with it that bordered on lunacy. I don't knock it, it's cool and  
all, but I couldn't DO much with it constructively. There were  
just so many other ways to get a means to an end other than  
splitting heads and hurting people. So I dropped it, stopped  
fighting, became a pacifist."  
  
"A *pacifist*?" Ryouga asked. "There hasn't been a pacifist  
in the Hibiki family for hundreds of years!"  
  
"But there was ONE. So, hey, I figger it's possible.   
Anyway, this girl, she took me on the Pink Floyd tour for a few  
months, which I thought was kinda cooler than the Dead tour. One  
concert, I head off for refreshments at the sideshow, and she's  
not there when I come back. Bummer. Found this keen rabbit,  
thou, and named him Floyd to commemorate the occasion."  
  
Cosmo reached out and petted Floyd who seemed to appreciate  
it. "So I tour for a little more, but it just ain't the same. I  
figure, this blows, I oughtta head home and see how it's goin'  
there. I show, Dad blows his stack and says I can't come back  
'til I'm honored or something to that extent."  
  
"I can't believe you gave up martial arts," Ryouga said.   
"Kosumo--"  
  
"Cosmo, Ryouga, it's Cosmo now. Sunshine gave me that  
name."  
  
"Okay, COSMO, you were the best in the family. Strong,  
agile, ABLE. Dad had you pegged as the one to carry on the dojo!   
Why do you want to give that up?"  
  
"I saw the light, bro!" Cosmo said. "Dojos are only  
designed to be carried on, but I didn't really wanna carry it.   
I'm sick of hurting people. So I dropped the concept. End of  
story. Life's been good to me since."  
  
"If you have no plans of training, why'd you come here?"  
  
"To visit!" Cosmo beamed. "Ryouga, man, you can be a total  
knob at times, but yer cool and still my bro. You may have been  
madder'nell at me, but it wasn't like a two way door... you still  
wanna kick my ass? You can if you wanna, I don't fight back  
anymore."  
  
"I can't fight a weakling! It's dishonorable!" Ryouga  
protested. "Does this mean I'M number one in the family now?"  
  
"Unless Sis pumped some major iron since we last met, yeah,"  
Cosmo said, realizing he might be correct. "But Dad doesn't want  
you to carry on the dojo."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Dunno, he wasn't real clear about it. He doesn't want Sis  
to handle it either, for the typical reasons. `Oh, she's not a  
fiey-ter! She's just a harmless little girl.' In the end, he  
wants me, so I guess he'll be carry-less."  
  
Ryouga considered this, musing over his half-empty bowl of  
ramen. The strange rabbit cocked his head at Ryouga quizzically,  
as if it was wondering what the younger Hibiki's response would  
be.  
  
"Cosmo, I don't have a choice in the matter and neither do  
you," Ryouga said. "I may be at the top now, but you're the one  
Dad prefers. I'm not going to let the dojo go without an heir.   
Like it or not, I'm going to train you. Train you until you're  
back to your former glory!"  
  
"Aw, man, don't be such a stick in the mud," Cosmo whined.   
"You're just like Dad and little sister. Traditional beyond  
comprehension. Alright, if you're so keen on making me a killing  
machine again, you can TRY. I'll put up with it on one  
condition."  
  
"Which is?" Ryouga asked, grabbing his beverage.  
  
"Introduce me to that Akane girl. She's froody."  
  
The rabbit ducked Ryouga's spittake. "WHAT?!" he asked,  
slamming the glass down. The table dented. Both Ryouga and  
Floyd cast confused, enraged stares at the older Hibiki.  
  
"Dude, she looks just like that girl I met on tour. Acts  
like her a bit, too. She's cool. I didn't get much of a chance  
to talk to her thou... can you like get me over there for cookies  
and tea or something?"  
  
"AKANE? You have a thing for... AKANE?"  
  
"Hey, man, don't jam syllables in my mouth. I didn't say  
thing. Thing is a very loaded word. Just wanna talk, yaknow?   
She seems cool enough, but I don't wanna be ultraforward. You  
know her, right?"  
  
"Yes," Ryouga said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Great! We can stop by tomorrow. For now, shuteye. Gotta  
get my full eleven hours or I'll be no good tomorrow. Where're  
you camping out?"  
  
"Ummm..." Ryouga said. "I'm kinda between campsites."  
  
"I'll have to get us a new one then... got this great  
collapsible nylon tent salvaged from Woodstock 2. I'll pitch  
that somewhere nice and we'll use it. Beats the snarf out of  
your basic cooking fire 'n sleeping bag combo," Cosmo said,  
finishing up his dinner. "All set to roll. Where you wanna  
stick station?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Camp out, Ryouga. Man, you're so unhip it's a wonder you  
can walk without crutch-type assistance."  
  
"There's a vacant lot a short distance from the Tendo dojo,"  
Ryouga said. "That should do."  
  
"And give me a quicker route to Akane's bedroom," Ryouga  
failed to add.  
  
"Okay, cool. You gonna be able to find your way there? I  
mean, strange chemical combinations have knocked me back on  
track, but you're still lost city..."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll be okay," Ryouga said. "You go ahead,  
I've got to cover the bill."  
  
Cosmo nodded, and wandered out of the restaurant, whistling  
a slightly broken yet unrecognizable tune. Ryouga exhaled  
finally. He had an excuse now; he could splash himself and go  
with Akane for the night, and show up at the lot the next day  
claiming to have gotten lost.  
  
"Wuffle?" Floyd wuffled curiously at Ryouga's blissful  
expression.  
  
"He forgot his rabbit?" Ryouga asked aloud. "Great. Umm.   
Mister Rabbit, can you find your way there? I've got...  
important matters to attend to."  
  
The rabbit examined Ryouga suspiciously. After a few  
moments of consideration, it gave an oddly human shrug of  
acceptance, and hopped off the table, padding off on its rear  
legs for the door.  
  
*  
  
Akane yawned, doing a few last minute stretches before  
climbing into bed. Something seemed missing, though... cat  
pajamas, check. Bed, check. Bath taken, check. P-Chan...  
  
"Bwee?" P-Chan inquired, poking his head through the door  
crack.  
  
"P-Chan!" Akane smiled. "There you are. I haven't seen you  
since dinner! Come on in."  
  
P-Chan gleefully skipped across the room, bouncing up onto  
Akane's bed. Akane hit the light switch, climbed under the  
covers, and dozed off.  
  
Two fluffy ears peeked in from the window. Floyd the Rabbit  
scrabbled up to the window ledge, face pressed against the glass  
and wheezing from the effort of the climb. He peeked in, looking  
for something. A girl and a pig, but no Ryouga. Floyd could  
have sworn the weird human went into THIS house...  
  
The rabbit started climbing back down, giving up on finding  
Ryouga at this hour. Floyd had other priorities. Once safely on  
the grass, Floyd began hopping his was towards and over the  
fence, into the vacant lot.  
  
*  
  
This is NOT a proper campsite, Ryouga thought.  
  
The tent was too garish, a bright Marine Rescue Equipment  
Orange with stripes in shocking yellow. Inside was a variety of  
things including but not limited to : toothbrush, basin, clock  
radio, CD player, travel rack of music, portable television, a  
deck of cards, a coffee pot, a toaster oven and a bundle of half  
eaten carrots, complete with napping bunny snoozing next to them.  
  
The only traditional campsite element Ryouga could recognize  
was the sleeping bag. Too puffy for a proper sleeping bag,  
however. Much too comfortable.  
  
"Up and at 'em, Kosumo!" Ryouga called, prodding his  
brother's sleeping bag with an umbrella poke.  
  
"Wah?" Cosmo murfled, twisting around in his sack. "Noon  
already?"  
  
"No, it's nine AM. Get up."  
  
"Nine?! It's the middle of the night! Man, I'm no good if  
I don't get my full eleven hours. Wake me around lunchtime."  
  
"You've gotten soft over these last two years," Ryouga  
commented. "A TRUE martial artist gets up at the crack of dawn."  
  
"I'm not a true martial artist, remember? And what're you  
doing up at not-crack of dawn by that rule?"  
  
"I was up since six," Ryouga lied, who had just gotten up  
minutes ago with Akane. "I figured I'd be lenient on you, seeing  
as how this is your first day of training."  
  
"Oh, yeah. Training. Almost forgot about that. Foo.   
Okay, since there ain't no way I'm conking out again after this,  
might as well get up. Want any coffee? Pastry?"  
  
"No thanks."  
  
"Carrots?" Cosmo suggested. "I think Floyd might part with  
a few..."  
  
"Wuffle!" Floyd protested, grabbing the carrots with both  
front paws and pulling them away.  
  
"Scratch that," Cosmo said, unzipping his sleeping bag.   
"Okay. Training. What do we do first?"  
  
*  
  
Floyd the Cute and Fluffy Bunny sat there munching carrots,  
watching the two brothers in amusement.  
  
Ryouga was sweating vigorously, chest heaving as he adopted  
an attack pose. Cosmo stood there, maybe ten feet away, standing  
straight and tall. Unconcerned. Bored.  
  
"What's WRONG with you, Kosumo?" Ryouga asked. "Quit  
dodging my blows and fight back!"  
  
"Once again : It's COSMO now, bud," Cosmo said. "And ALSO  
once again : I don't fight anymore. Man, Ryouga, you're just as  
dense as you were two years ago."  
  
"SHUT UP!" Ryouga yelled, charging his brother, who  
sidestepped to avoid the rushing punch. Ryouga skidded around in  
a u-turn, kicking up dust.  
  
"I think the one who needs training is you," Cosmo joked.   
"You can't lay a finger on me."  
  
"Only because you're being a coward and avoiding the beating  
you deserve!" Ryouga yelled, sending a spinning kick towards  
Cosmo's undefended head, which Cosmo easily ducked.  
  
"See, that's the problem with us Hibikis. We seem to think  
that we need to pound anything in our way," Cosmo said, neatly  
avoiding blow after blow. "What's the sense (duck) in getting  
into brawls (lean) if they don't (jump) prove anything (bend)  
other than our (twist) own ability (spin) to hurt people?"  
  
"Maybe... maybe I'm going about this the wrong way," Ryouga  
panted, stumbling backwards. "You're clearly an expert in  
defense. Let's see if you've forgotten how to punch. Lay one  
across my jaw."  
  
Cosmo laughed. "Forget it."  
  
"Then punch me in the stomach."  
  
"Never hit a man who's on an empty stomach. Dry retching.   
Not cool."  
  
"Then hit the tree! Hit anything!" Ryouga pleaded, annoyed.   
"Come on, it's just a matter of curling up five fingers and  
smacking them into something."  
  
"What'd that tree ever do to me?" Cosmo asked. "If  
anything, it provided some nice shade. Beats being baked alive  
in your own tent. I oughtta hug it, not hit it."  
  
"You don't understand what's at stake here," Ryouga said.   
"You're the elder son, the one who's destined to teach others.   
Dad wants YOU. Would you really want to dishonor our family that  
badly?"  
  
"Dad'll get over it and elect either you or little sis,"  
Cosmo said. "No big shakes. What's the problem?"  
  
"Dad doesn't WANT either of us. He wants you, like he  
always has. Gosh, Kosumo's so talented! He's so powerful!   
Ignore Ryouga, he's not skilled enough!" Ryouga complained.  
  
"?" Cosmo asked, stopping short as Ryouga interrupted him.  
  
"All my life I've had to play second fiddle to you!" Ryouga  
continued. "I can't even escape you in Nerima! Now that I have  
my only shot at being the pride of the family, I'm OBLIGATED to  
put you back on the top of the heap!"  
  
"Umm... Ryouga, dude, calm down here--"  
  
"This is ALL YOUR FAULT!!" Ryouga accused, running forward  
and neatly smashing his brother across the jaw. Cosmo, not  
expecting the punch, spun around like a top and slammed face-  
first into the dirt. Floyd looked up from his carrot in alarm,  
bounding over to his owner's side.  
  
"Err," Ryouga started, knocked to his senses by what he had  
done. "Oh. Umm."  
  
"I'm okay... I'm okay..." Cosmo insisted, weakly pulling  
himself from the ground. "Wow. Oh waiter, catharsis please? I  
can't believe you've been carrying around baggage like that,  
Ryouga. Why didn't you tell me before instead of just trying to  
beat the tar out of me or call me names?"  
  
"Just... just because that's not how it's supposed to work,"  
Ryouga said. "I mean, the reason for a heap is so you can climb  
your way to the top of it... I thought if I defeated you, maybe  
Dad would take me seriously for a change..."  
  
"Look. Ryouga. If you want the silly number one slot, you  
can have it," Cosmo said. "I give it to you wholeheartedly and  
without regret or beatings. If Dad's got a problem with it I'll  
talk it over with him. He's got to come to his senses after I  
show my proof and realize that he doesn't exactly have a choice  
in the matter. Besides, I was perfectly willing to let you  
handle the burden of being family favorite two years ago."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You think it's fun, being the objet d'attentione at home?"  
Cosmo laughed, spitting out some grass and beating dust out of  
his clothing. "It ain't. Sucks badly. Always getting into  
fights with people who want to challenge the dojo, always having  
to prove yourself, always having to put up with parental fawning  
and praise. I hoped folding on my training would get me OUT of  
that situation, but Dad didn't get the piccy. You get it,  
right?"  
  
"You don't want to be the dojo's heir?"  
  
"HE-LOO? Isn't that what I've been saying all day, night,  
and like all of yesterday too?" Cosmo asked. "Exactly! Ryouga,  
you take it. Have fun. I don't want any training, I don't want  
the dojo, I don't want to be the family prize to show off to  
other dojos. I was a pacifist from the start, never really LIKED  
hurting people, but I did it anyway because Daddums seemed to  
like expect it from me. Now that this mess is behind us, can we  
please stop this farce you call training?"  
  
Ryouga was speechless.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes," Cosmo said. "Look, do what I do.   
Sit down and have a good intraspective moment. Or is it  
introspective? Either way, have one. I'll be making coffee in  
the tent if you need me."  
  
Floyd hopped off as Cosmo calmly unzipped the tent flap and  
climbed inside. Ryouga simply stood there, still not sure what  
to say, not even sure what to THINK.  
  
All his life, his older brother had been some obstacle to  
overcome, a rung to be climbed over... Ryouga had managed to  
escape the family war by living in Nerima and embedding himself  
in another conflict. Had his brother's surprise appearance  
really brought all that mayhem back to the surface?  
  
The answer was obviously yes. Now, it seemed, there was a  
way out. Could it be that easy, though? Be the family pride  
just with a snap of the fingers? Kosumo couldn't just RESIGN  
from being a dojo heir... it was... stupid. Unthinkable. No  
traditional dojo works like that.  
  
Still...  
  
It was unlikely that Cosmo would ever be suitable for, nor  
desire that slot anymore...  
  
And SOMEONE had to do it...  
  
...so the job naturally fell on him.  
  
"Intra/introspective over yet?" Cosmo asked, pushing the  
tent flap aside with a coffee mug. "So whaddya think? You want  
the slot so badly, you've got it. No problems, no worries. I'll  
even help you explain it to Dad."  
  
"It SOUNDS good," Ryouga said. "But... I'm not sure... it's  
not the way these things are DONE, Kosumo."  
  
"Cosmo."  
  
"Yes, Cosmo," Ryouga corrected himself.  
  
"But I'm tellin' ya, Ryouga, it's possible. Trust me on  
this. I've got an edge."  
  
"I SUPPOSE it might work..."  
  
"Good!" Cosmo grinned. "Now that we're done with this  
silliness, let's hit the town or something. I haven't seen much  
of Nerima yet, and you DO owe me a certain favor."  
  
"Favor?" Ryouga asked, confused.  
  
"You know... whassername, Akane!" Cosmo egged on. "We made  
a deal, I pretend to train, you introduce me to her proper-like.   
Not gonna filch out, are ya, bro?"  
  
*  
  
Cosmo whistled a tuneless tune, skipping along the sidewalk  
towards the dojo. Ryouga slumped alongside him, grumbling under  
his breath.  
  
"Vexin' ya, bro?" Cosmo asked.  
  
"Japanese, Cosmo. Speak Japanese."  
  
"I am, man. What I'm askin' is what's wrong? You're grumpy  
side up today."  
  
"Nothing," Ryouga said.  
  
"Probably worried about Dad, huh?" Cosmo incorrectly  
guessed. "Don't worry, man, I'll explain it to him. He caught  
me off guard at first, that's all, I can still show the old man  
reason."  
  
"That's not it."  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
"Why do you want to meet Akane so badly?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Call it a whim," Cosmo said. "Sure, I exchanged maybe five  
lines of dialogue with her, but they were like meaningful or  
something. She seems cool, and I'm up for a decent conversation.   
At least more than one I could get with a rabbit. OW!"  
  
Cosmo skipped a step or two and stumbled forward. "Floyd,  
quit kicking. You're not that bad of a conversationalist, my  
furry type friend, but wuffling doesn't rank in as the words of  
scholars."  
  
"Wuffle," a muffled wuffle spoke from deep inside Cosmo's  
backpack.  
  
"She's engaged, you know," Ryouga said. "Taken, spoken for,  
so on. Way out of your reach. I wouldn't bother if I were you."  
  
"Once again, in spades, I don't have a thing, I just wanna  
chatter," Cosmo reminded. "Engaged, huh? Probably one of those  
lame traditional parent-hookup deals neither affected party can  
stand."  
  
"Exactly," Ryouga grumbled. "She's engaged to this total  
lout of a man called Ranma Saotome. The little jerk treats her  
like dirt and flaunts TWO other fiancees to boot. Scum like him  
are unworthy of Akane!"  
  
"Ranma... Ranma... HEY!" Cosmo exclaimed, pausing in his  
tracks. "That's the pigtailed weenie you were gonna destroy,  
isn't it? How'd the fight go?"  
  
"Shut up," Ryouga offered.  
  
"Pound his rear into the dirt? You've always been good at  
that."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Or did you just get lost and wander off to China or  
something?" Cosmo joked.  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" Ryouga pleasantly suggested, force of his words  
whipping around Cosmo like gale force winds.  
  
"okay," Cosmo said, in a weak voice. "Sorry, bro, just  
kiddin', didn't mean to slap a nerve or anything. So she's stuck  
in engagement hell, huh?"  
  
"Yes. No!" Ryouga said, trying to decide what response  
would be better. "She's a man hater anyway, and has too many  
suitors to begin with. You better watch yourself around her.   
Take my warning on that and leave her be."  
  
"Hey, I've had my fair share of encounters with the opposite  
gender," Cosmo mused. "This girl I met on the Dead tour, named  
Sunshine, man, she was cool. Named me Cosmo since it was more  
norm for the zone, you know? Anyway, we toured for awhile to  
pool money and resources, kickin' back and philosophizing about  
the better things in life. Things were cool."  
  
"So where is she now?" Ryouga asked, trying to steer the  
conversation away from Akane.  
  
"I dunno," Cosmo shrugged. "On the Pink Floyd tour, I leave  
for 'freshes. Grab some munchies and sodas. Bump into this  
weird carnival sideshow guy selling water that turns you into  
cats 'n pigs and things, he gives me the hard sell, I manage to  
get away with my life and wallet. I go back to our seats,  
Sunshine's gone. Never saw her again."  
  
"That's too bad."  
  
"Sucks, don't it? Fortunately, I found this rabbit nosing  
through the trash after the show. Named him Floyd in honor of  
the pink ones and he's kept me company on my trip. Maybe I  
should have named him Sunshine for the one that got away, but it  
ain't a proper boy name, even for a bunny."  
  
"So you two had, as you put it, a 'thing'?"  
  
"Heck no!" Cosmo said, in all truth and honesty. "Naw, she  
was lukewarm to me. Good friend, travel buddy. Didn't really  
show any signs of attraction or the like that I could see. OOF!   
Floyd, quit kicking. Methinks the bunnymeister's on carrot  
overdose or something. Umm, Ryouga?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You of course realize that we've been walking in a nice  
straight line in the total opposite direction from the dojo,  
right?" Cosmo grinned evilly.  
  
"It's this way," Ryouga insisted.  
  
"Uh-huh. One nice thing 'bout the weird memory gaps on the  
Dead tour is that I lost my lostness somewhere along the way,"  
Cosmo said. "I think I'd better steer us for awhile, unless we  
want to land in Budapest."  
  
*  
  
KNOCK.  
  
"Could someone get the door?" Kasumi called from the  
kitchen. "Ranma, please get the door. I'm busy making lunch."  
  
"Alright," Ranma agreed, setting his Dragonball manga down  
on the living room table. He wandered off to the front door,  
opening it.  
  
"Heya!" Cosmo greeted. "Ranma, isn't it? Greets. Cosmo  
Hibiki. This is my bro Ryouga, who I assume you're already  
deepdeep with."  
  
"'Heya'," Ryouga said, in a tone one normally associates  
with the word 'Soul-Crushing'. "I'm here to break you and ruin  
your life, Saotome."  
  
"And I'm here to thank you for housing me for a full three  
minutes last night," Cosmo said. "I really 'preciated it."  
  
"Well, for you," Ranma said, pointing to Cosmo, "Feel free  
to stay for lunch. As for You, Ryouga, alright, let's make it  
quick, meet you in the dojo in five minutes."  
  
"I'll be there," Ryouga nodded, walking off in search of the  
dojo.  
  
"Okay, that'll keep him occupied for the next hour at  
least," Ranma said. "In the meantime, come on in."  
  
"Thankee," Cosmo said, tipping an imaginary hat.  
  
"You don't seem as violent as your brother," Ranma  
commented, closing the door behind him.  
  
"I would say I'm a lover and not a fighter, but I'm not much  
of either," Cosmo said. "I listen to tunes and philosophize.   
I've decided to leave the business with death and mayhem to the  
other Hibikis. I take it Ryouga's been hanging on you like a bad  
habit?"  
  
"For two years, yeah," Ranma nodded. "What is it with him,  
anyway? He's so PERSISTENT."  
  
"You think THAT'S persistent?" Cosmo laughed. "Meet my  
sister Iyanako sometime. Now THAT'S persistence. Ah, the  
stories I could tell. Say, where's Akane?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, she's been looking for Ryouga around the house  
all morning. Why?"  
  
"What would Ryouga be doing here?" Cosmo asked, confused.  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"I know the stars, I know the seas, I know three chords and  
half a semester of algebra, but I don't know why Ryouga would be  
hanging around your house," Cosmo said.  
  
"Weird. I would have figured he'd tell a family member. Oh  
well. Anyway, why do you want to know where Akane is?"  
  
"Haven't thanked her properly for not providing me with  
dinner last night," Cosmo said. "From what I've gleaned, that  
was a positive boon for me. Just a friendly call to a friendly  
person."  
  
"Akane? Friendly?"  
  
"Well, she seemed friendly to me. Can't say she was all  
sunshine and roses to that poor redhaired girl she clocked with  
the dining room table. Did you hear about that?"  
  
"Err... in a way," Ranma said.  
  
"Quite odd. Then again, the girl had it coming, acting like  
a knob and smacking her pig around. Sheesh, cruelty to  
animals... is that redhead a Tendo too?"  
  
"Hey, I'll have you know that that 'pig' had it coming,"  
Ranma accused. "He's been nothing but a source of trouble for me  
in this house since he arrived. And that kawaiikune Akane just  
doesn't get the picture..."  
  
"What, you have a grievance against the other white meat  
too?" Cosmo asked. "Umm. Hang on."  
  
"What?" Ranma asked suspiciously, as Cosmo circled him like  
a vulture examining its next meal.  
  
"Pigtail on you two... same haircut, really..." Cosmo noted,  
thinking hard. "AHA!"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Twins!" he concluded. "Wow. Good family resemblance."  
  
"Twins, exactly!" Ranma nodded before the bucket of water  
smacked into the back of his head. He stumbled forward, but not  
forward enough to avoid the splash of the bucket's backspin.  
  
"I heard that kawaiikune crack," Akane said, from the stairs  
above Ranma. "Quit fooling around and help me find P-Chan!"  
  
"Tomboy!" Ranma called back, making a face at Akane. Akane  
humphed and disappeared back into the depths of the upstairs  
floor.  
  
"Err," Cosmo started, pointing an unsteady finger.  
  
"What?" Ranma asked, turning her glance back to the visitor.   
"Oh. Umm. That. Alright, I might as well explain... it's a  
curse, kinda..."  
  
"What happened to Ranma?"  
  
"I AM Ranma, dolt," Ranma said. "Cold water turns me into a  
girl, hot water back into a boy. Humph. Ancient Chinese secret,  
huh..."  
  
"Hey, I've seen stuff like that before!" Cosmo noted in  
recognition. "Pink Floyd, the April 6th show. Some guy was  
selling it outside in the stands. Jusenkyo water, right?"  
  
"Someone was *SELLING* Jusenkyo water?"  
  
"Yeah. Tried to get me to buy some too, but I wasn't in the  
mood to turn into a cat or a duck or a rabbit or a pig. Or a  
girl, which is what the little hentai was insisting on," Cosmo  
said. "Funny stuff, though. So alternating temperature water  
does it?"  
  
"Every time," Ranma said, wringing out her ponytail. "Err,  
is that a rabbit in your pack--"  
  
"--or are you just happy to see me, etc. It is, actually...  
Hey -- WHOA! Floyd, calm down!" Cosmo yelped, as the rabbit  
wormed and squirmed his way out of the pack, upsetting Cosmo's  
balance. Floyd landed on his back legs with a poof of air, and  
bounded up the stairs at lightning speed.  
  
"What's with him?" Cosmo asked. "If he's looking for a  
carrot fix, the kitchen's THAT way."  
  
"RANMA!!!" a voice from the dojo outside called. "ARE YOU  
GOING TO FIGHT ME OR CHICKEN OUT AGAIN?!"  
  
"Looks like he made it after all," Cosmo said.  
  
"Don't worry, this won't take long," Ranma smirked, cracking  
her knuckles. "Grab me a kettle from the kitchen, willya?"  
  
*  
  
Cosmo sat back against the wall of the dojo, watching the  
two punch, parry, kick, dodge, jump and go through all the  
textbook motions of the Fight.  
  
"Whoo," Cosmo cheered halfheartedly. "Yoo hoo, Ryouga, if  
you keep your backside open like that you're inviting mucho  
badness."  
  
"Shut up, you!" Ryouga called, just before being kicked in  
the back by Ranma. The younger Hibiki staggered, grabbing at his  
backside in pain.  
  
"Told ya," Cosmo shrugged. He looked around the dojo for  
something more interesting to watch, and found it. "Akane!   
Greets. Me again."  
  
"Oh, Ryouga's brother?" Akane asked, peeking into the dojo.   
"I was just looking for P-Chan... have you seen a little black  
piglet around here?"  
  
"Depends, have you seen a little yellow bunny?" Cosmo asked.   
"Plop down here, let's chat while these two wacky funsters try to  
slay each other."  
  
"Err... okay," Akane said, walking carefully along the side  
of the dojo wall to sit next to Cosmo.  
  
"How you two doing? Getting bored yet?" Cosmo called to the  
combatants.  
  
"Quit it with the color commentary, Cosmo!" Ryouga demanded.   
"I'm busy here!"  
  
"Boys," Cosmo mocked. "Anyway, thanks for housing me in my  
commercial break of need, Akane. How're things with you?"  
  
"Fine, I guess."  
  
"I couldn't follow most of the rumble last night. S'what  
was the cuisine chaos all about, anyway?"  
  
"Just an experiment," Akane sighed. "Everybody says my  
cooking is horrible, but I thought it might just be because of my  
reputation... if they thought someone else cooked it, maybe it'd  
be good."  
  
"Interesting notion," Cosmo nodded. "Shame about the  
failure. 'Course, deze things tend to go down... curses, like.   
Example. Case in point. Ryouga has a directional curse."  
  
"HEY!" Ryouga called, ducking one of Ranma's jump kicks.  
  
"S'true!" Cosmo hollered back. "Anyway, I've got a boredom  
curse and a family reputation curse, and I guess Ranma here has a  
Ryouga curse and a water sex change curse. Frankly, I'd consider  
myself lucky to only have a cooking curse like you do."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really. Way. I mean, any curse could be turned into a  
weapon. Maybe you could cook stuff and force your enemies to eat  
it."  
  
"That's not funny," Akane hmphed, crossing her arms.  
  
"Okay, okay, sorry. I withdraw it," Cosmo withdrew.  
  
"I try, really," Akane said. "I've tried a lot of times to  
get better at cooking. It just... never works."  
  
"Tryin's the key. Shows you care enough," Cosmo said.  
  
"One of these days I'll be good enough to make a meal that  
doesn't incapacitate," Akane vowed. "Then you'll EAT YOUR WORDS  
about my food, Ranma!"  
  
"Nyah!" Ranma politely offered, missing the change to dodge  
one of Ryouga's punches. Reeling back, he slipped into a  
defensive posture.  
  
"You two seem at odds," Cosmo said. "Ryouga said you were  
engaged against yer will and all good taste. I take it Mr.  
Pigtail is the groom to be?"  
  
"Not if *I* have anything to say about it," Akane said.  
  
"Tell me more," Cosmo egged on.  
  
*  
  
HOT WATER! How could the answer be so obvious, and I never  
discovered it!?? Floyd thought angrily.  
  
Floyd the Cute and Fluffy Bunny Poo hopped up and down  
angrily on the bathroom tile. Why did faucets have to be so HIGH  
UP? What about poor cursed animals that might NEED hot water?   
The minute I'm back to normal, Floyd vowed, I'll have a word with  
the fine people at Pfischer Pfaucets.  
  
Still, to be trapped in the body of a rabbit and think you'd  
be that way forever... ugh. It was horrifying. At least she  
would be normal soon. At least she would be a she again. She  
always was, but Cosmo, bless his soul, didn't want to embarrass  
her and check, so he assumed Floyd the Rabbit was a male. Just a  
male bunny and not his female traveling companion...  
  
In a final leap of pure anger, Floyd cleared the edge of the  
sink and was in. With a wuffle of triumph, the rabbit twisted  
the hot water knob.  
  
FWOOSH went the faucet, gushing out hot water and adding to  
the Tendo's already astronomical water and heating bill. Floyd  
could feel the change deep inside bunny muscles, pulling and  
stretching...  
  
Finally back to normal, for the first time in months, she  
hopped off the sink edge and grabbed the nearest bathrobe. The  
yellow one with cartoon cats on it.  
  
Clothing. For a change, she'd need some proper clothing,  
not just a fluffy tail and some mangy fur. She walked into the  
hall, toweling off her blonde hair and rattling doorknobs.  
  
"Akane?" Nabiki called, rounding the corner from the stairs  
at the other end of the hall. "That's a new look for you, isn't  
it? I never pegged you as a blonde."  
  
"Huh?" Sunshine asked, turning to face the middle Tendo  
sister. "Oh. Umm. Yeah. Do you like it?"  
  
"Not really," Nabiki said. "Why're you trying to get into  
Kasumi's room?"  
  
"Oops," Sunshine said. "I think I've got water on the brain  
or something... ummmm... which is my room?"  
  
Nabiki slowly pointed to the door with an AKANE labelled  
duck sign. "That one."  
  
"Thanks. Thanks!" Sunshine thanked, twisting the knob and  
diving inside.  
  
*  
  
"How is it that this Kunou guy can land after being knocked  
into orbit and survive?" Cosmo asked, puzzled.  
  
"Don't ask me. He always does. I wish he'd hit his head  
and get amnesia, it'd make MY life easier," Akane joked in a not  
entirely pleasant way.  
  
"Go fig. Anyway, back to today's sports action. How's the  
fight going, br... o."  
  
Cosmo examined the battered, unconscious form of Ryouga with  
amusement. Ranma was sitting nearby, continuing his manga where  
he had left off.  
  
"Over already?" Cosmo asked.  
  
"It's been over for three minutes," Ranma noted, without  
looking up. "Haven't you noticed?"  
  
"Two busy mixing words 'n phrases, I suppose," Cosmo said.   
"Well, Akane, I'd best be scooting. I think l'il bro's gonna be  
needing medical type assistance or something. Thanks for the  
conversation pit, hope to bump again soon."  
  
"See you around," Akane smiled, waving bye-bye. Cosmo  
grabbed Ryouga by an arm, and hefted the boy to his feet.   
Ryouga's head wobbled around woozily. Cosmo turned to face  
Ranma. "Does he tend to do this often?"  
  
"All the time," Ranma nodded.  
  
"Just as I thought. Well, until next mm/dd/yy," Cosmo  
nodded back, dragging Ryouga out of the dojo and out of sight.  
  
"He seemed friendly," Ranma said.  
  
"Quite. He's from out of town, isn't he?" Akane asked.  
  
"A little TOO friendly, if you ask me..."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Aw, come on, Akane, you saw the way he was... talking to  
you," Ranma said, failing to find a more suggestive action to  
mention. "Sounds to me like he likes you. And from YOUR tone,  
sounds like that's mutual."  
  
"Hmph. Baka," Akane insulted, turning away. "Just because  
we were having a friendly conversation does NOT mean we're going  
steady or anything. Or is it that you're JEALOUS?"  
  
"What? Jealous of that bubbleheaded semi-gaijin?"  
  
"Cosmo is NOT bubbleheaded!"  
  
"Make sure he isn't around any pins, he might pop."  
  
"Jerk!"  
  
"Tomboy!"  
  
Etc., etc., etc.  
  
*  
  
"UGH!" Cosmo groaned, heaving Ryouga along. He paused, back  
to the stairs, and set his brother down. "Man, you been slammin'  
into the ding dongs or something, my out cold bro? You weigh as  
much as a forklift and require one to port around!"  
  
"Oh, is the fight over already?" Kasumi asked, leaning out  
of the kitchen door. "I had made the boys some lemonade to enjoy  
while they were on break..."  
  
Slow down time here to catch all the action; Sunshine,  
dressed in one of Akane's outfits, coming down the stairs to  
greet Cosmo in human form. Kasumi slipping on one of Ranma's  
manga, left carelessly out. Cosmo, with back turned, only sees  
the yellow smear of flying lemonade as Kasumi stumbles, lemonade  
which impacts nicely on Sunshine.  
  
"Whoa!" Kasumi yelped, regaining her footing. "Oh, foo. I  
think I soaked your pet rabbit! At least the drink matches his  
fur color..."  
  
"Floyd my man!" Cosmo greeted, spinning around (and dropping  
Ryouga in the process). "Got a carrot rush or something? I  
think I have a few in my pack for ya..."  
  
Floyd, sopping and dejected, drooped her ears low. Some  
rabbits just didn't have any luck.  
  
*  
  
"I probably could have won if you hadn't kept interrupting  
with your silly comments," Ryouga complained, rubbing his sore  
head. Floyd consoled the battered brother by digging bandages  
out of Cosmo's pack.  
  
"What'd Ranma do to you, anyway? You're after him with a  
zeal that rivals the one you had on my own person," Cosmo asked,  
digging through his wallet. "Where's that bloody card, no anime  
puns intended... ah!"  
  
"What's that?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Free calling card I got at a 7-11 in Ohio," Cosmo said.   
"Three hours free with every Big Gulp. Let's see if it zones  
through the international barrier."  
  
"Who're you calling?"  
  
"Dad, of course."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Well, SOMEONE'S gotta explain what we've decided regarding  
the family heir," Cosmo shrugged, embedding the phone booth-  
attached phone next to his neck. "Trust me, man, he'll see the  
light. Ah, the card works! Boffo. Dial dial, ring ring,  
HELLOOO Dad!"  
  
Cosmo pulled the phone away to prevent ear damage as his dad  
launched into a new tirade of yells and shouts about honor.  
  
"It's Dad," Cosmo confirmed, and put the earpiece back.   
"Yeah, Dad, Ryouga 'n I been talking a bit... I decided I'm gonna  
step down from the hierarchy and let him be Numero Uno... yes,  
dad, I CAN do that, see also ten spokes down on the family tree.   
I've done my research. You'll find it's perfectly alright for  
Hibikis to take sabbatical for the better part of eternity and  
name a replacement... alright, I'll wait for you to look it up."  
  
"There's a precedent?" Ryouga asked, applying a band-aid.  
  
"Of course. I took the opportunity to go over the record  
books before leaving home to come here," Cosmo said. "This frood  
doesn't walk into hostile territory without some kinda defense  
plan, you know. I just needed a lead even TRADITION! Daddy could  
'preciate... ah. See? Right there in black 'n white, Dad.   
Ryouga's my man with the plan and he'll be doing the heir  
thing... NO, he is competent enough to handle it, Dad... just  
because... let me finish, Da... Dad... YOO HOO... now can I  
continue? Please?..."  
  
Cosmo cupped the mouthpiece. "Dad is raising questions."  
  
"Why does he think I'm incompetent?!" Ryouga asked, annoyed.   
"I'll best him in two out of three falls if I have to!"  
  
"No need to go tossing Daddy Dearest through walls, I think  
I can solve this diplomatically... ah, he's winding down. Good.   
Dad? You there? Okay. Now, what's this about Ryouga?... oh?   
Hmm. I approve of this query. One sec."  
  
Cosmo cupped the mouthpiece. "Dad wants to know why you're  
hanging around Nerima and not coming home for dinner like you  
promised."  
  
"I have a score to settle with Ranma Saotome," Ryouga said.  
  
"Anything beyond that?"  
  
"Y... no," Ryouga said.  
  
"Okay, he'll probably approve of that," Cosmo nodded, and  
uncupped. "Okay, Dad, he's hunting down and destroying someone  
who insulted the family honor. Ah, you approve. Thought so.   
Alright, so is it settled?... umm... is that who I think it is in  
the background? It is? For god's sake, Dad, don't mentio... oh  
dear."  
  
"What? What's wrong now?"  
  
"Iyanako overheard the whole conversation," Cosmo said.   
"This could be bad. Dad? I'm gonna go now, before the FBI gets  
on my rear for putting 7-11 in the poorhouse. So you don't mind  
that Ryouga's gonna take my place?... well, okay, you mind quite  
a bit, but at least it's legal, no? There IS a historical  
precedent, can't deny dat. Don't make me break into a rendition  
from Fiddler on the Roof... okay, good. Good enough for now.   
See how long you can stall sis and we'll get ready. Luv luv kiss  
kiss, bye."  
  
Cosmo hung the phone up with a clink, thus ending the  
largest phone bill the good people at 7-11 incorporated will ever  
receive. "Bad news, bro."  
  
"Namely?"  
  
"Little sis got wind," Cosmo said. "I think you're a  
goner."  
  
"Since when does Iyanako fight?" Ryouga asked. "If I  
recall, she just played with dolls and stuff."  
  
"That's the probby, nobody in the family really paid  
attention to her martial arts wise," Cosmo said. "I was kinda...  
well... training her in my spare time."  
  
"You WHAT?!"  
  
"Hey, she asked!" Cosmo said. "Said nobody else in the  
family took her seriously. I didn't have much else to do other  
than beat you off with a stick and show off for the other local  
dojos to carry on the Hibiki name. Life is rather boring and yet  
hectic at the top."  
  
"So Iyanako's been training?" Ryouga asked. "Cosmo... how  
good was she? At last check?"  
  
"She could bench press farm equipment. Not pitchforks,  
either, I'm talking the big Metallic Reaper of Death threshers  
and combines," Cosmo said gravely. "You know, I may have some  
money left on this card... we could ring Daddums up again and say  
you've had second thoughts--"  
  
"NO," Ryouga intoned, getting up despite his injuries. "I  
want this, Cosmo. I've ALWAYS wanted it. If I have to trash  
Iyanako to prove it, I will."  
  
"Ryouga... I don't like the turn this is taking..."  
  
"You don't have a say in it, hippy boy," Ryouga snarled,  
breaking into a flat run for the opposite direction to the vacant  
lot. "Bring her on! I'll train and beat her!"  
  
"Hoo boy," Cosmo said, shaking his head at the retreating  
form of his brother. "This could be quite bad. Come along,  
Floyd. We've got to think up a plan that'll keep Ryouga-kun from  
getting his brains bashed out."  
  
*  
  
In the dust-covered Hibiki household, an enraged spirit was  
tossing whatever it could find into one of the family's patented  
Road Trip Backpacks. Like a whirling red dervish, she scooped up  
clothing, weapons, rations, and anything else in reach, jamming  
it to the bottom of the sack like a supermarket bagging clerk  
(fragile items on the bottom, please).  
  
"Iyanako!" father Hibiki called from his morning paper.   
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Nerima," the girl replied tersely, grabbing her pink  
parasol from the umbrella rack. "If that fool Ryouga thinks he's  
going to snatch what's rightfully MINE, he's got a lot of nerve."  
  
"Since when have you been a fighter?" Dad asked.  
  
"Since always, FATHER," she replied, opening the parasol.   
"And now I get to PROVE it!"  
  
"Iyanako, please. There's no need to get yourself hurt  
pretending to be a warrior," father insisted. "I don't like it  
anymore than you do, but Ryouga is technically the dojo's heir  
now. Although how that boy could support the dojo while being  
stuck in Nerima, I don't know..."  
  
"All the better, then. Once I defeat him, I can run the  
dojo for you!"  
  
"I've never seen you train! How can you expect to de--"  
  
Iyanako grabbed the other Hibiki with a single arm, hefted  
him over her head, and tossed him not so gently across the room.   
He crashed into a rack of Franklin Mint collector's planes and  
landed on the couch with a bounce.  
  
"I'm the strongest one in the family!" Iyanako boasted.   
"I've trained myself since Kosumo left, to be the most powerful  
Hibiki there ever was. I'd call my work a success."  
  
"No need... to throw a temper tantrum, young one," elder  
Hibiki said, brushing Elvis bits off his kimono.  
  
"You'll see, Dad," Iyanako vowed, pulling the door open  
without bothering with that silly business of twisting the knob.   
"When I come back with Ryouga's bandanna as proof of his defeat,  
I'll be the rightful heir to this dojo!"  
  
"Be back in time for dinner!!" Dad called after she slammed  
the door shut. Such a stubborn girl, that Iyanako. And what was  
this nonsense about being a warrior?  
  
Probably just a phase, the father concluded, and turned back  
to his sports section.  
  
*  
  
"Ryouga--"  
  
WHAM!  
  
"You can't go and--"  
  
WHAM!  
  
"Fight little sister like this--"  
  
WHAM!  
  
"It's not right--"  
  
WHAM!!!  
  
"And more than likely," Cosmo continued, ignoring the  
splintered tree collapsing to the ground, "One or both of you are  
gonna get crippled in the process. You should see her fight,  
man. You can't block attacks like that, they land as hard as a  
punch no matter what you do. Nothing like shattered bone  
fragments in your arm to ruin a nice day, yaknow?"  
  
"A challenge, eh?"  
  
"Don't look at it that way!" Cosmo begged. "Look, sis has  
always been looking for an opportunity to show that she means  
business, and when she gets DOWN to business I don't want you at  
ground zero. You're gonna be toast, bro!"  
  
"Have some faith in your brother's ability. Iyanako may be  
pushy--"  
  
"That she is," Cosmo nodded. "Remember when we took her to  
the toy store and ended up buying most of it to shut her up?"  
  
"And she may be stubborn--"  
  
"Recall whenever she had to take a bath. Mom practically  
needed a crowbar and a team of six hardy lads to get her near  
water. Strong, that girl."  
  
"But she's not a fighter. I mean, she plays with dolls and  
carries around a girly pink parasol," Ryouga laughed. "Hardly  
the airs of a fighter."  
  
"Where do you think she got the parasol idea, hmm?" Cosmo  
asked, pointing to the red bamboo umbrella on Ryouga's pack.   
"That sucker's razor sharp. I helped her make it."  
  
"Are you trying to undermine me here, brother?"  
  
"Hey, bud, if I KNEW she was gonna level the guns at another  
Hibiki, I never woulda done it!" Cosmo said, waving his arms  
around defensively. "I was young and foolish then, I feel old  
and foolish now. Hey, you seen Floyd?"  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"The little furry dude missed his five o'clock feeding. I'm  
worried he got lost, like Akane's pet pig."  
  
"Trust me, the two don't have anything in common," Ryouga  
said, looking for another solid object to hit. "It's just a  
rabbit anyway, what's the big deal?"  
  
"Hey, that rabbit got me through some tough times," Cosmo  
said, sitting down next to his nylon tent. "When Sunshine  
ditched me, I got ultralonely. Bunny hunny provided a nice  
travel companion to fill that."  
  
"I take it you miss her?" Ryouga asked, uprighting the tree  
for a bit more punching practice.  
  
"At times, yeah. Glad I've found another chatterperson in  
Akane," Cosmo mused.  
  
"Trust me, Cosmo, give it up. She's not your type."  
  
"Hey, how do you know that? Anybody just tried sitting down  
and talking with the dudette instead of fighting and/or fawning  
over and/or proposing to her?" Cosmo asked. "You ever tried  
talking to her?"  
  
"Of course," Ryouga said.  
  
"Well, then you ought to get it. Lots of people're  
interesting beyond their fists, after all."  
  
"You don't understand Nerima, Cosmo," Ryouga said. "It's  
just like back home at the house, only on a wider area. It's not  
brains that triumph here, it's brawn. Fighting is as common as  
saying how do you do. If you want to get your way, if you want  
to get what you want and win the favor of WHO you want, you do it  
on the field of combat."  
  
"This is good?" Cosmo asked.  
  
"It's worked so far," Ryouga said. "I don't have time to  
talk right now, brother. If I'm going to defend my newly  
acquired title from Iyanako, I'm going to need to TRAIN."  
  
"You're going to need an HMO too," Cosmo said. "Alright,  
I'll go look for the bunny. You do that silly wacky punching  
thing and have fun with it, y'hear?"  
  
"This isn't for fun, this is for honor," Ryouga said,  
slamming the tree with his right fist, causing it to fall over  
again with a resounding CRASH. "Hmm. Perhaps I need another  
tree."  
  
*  
  
Sunshine grumbled, finishing dressing in one of Akane's  
outfits. How could Ranma live like this? Needing to find hot  
water whenever it rained, or whenever a hydrant exploded, or  
whenever anything below room temperature smacked you upside the  
head?  
  
She could worry about finding a cure later. For now, she  
had more pressing worries. Notably... Cosmo.  
  
Sunshine remembered back to her first day as a rabbit...  
they had just launched the inflatable pig over the crowd, to  
accompanying ooos and aahs and a few screams from people who were  
hallucinating too badly.  
  
"Not very convincing," Cosmo commented.  
  
"Aw, it's okay," Sunshine insisted. This was her moment,  
the time she was going to fess up and tell Cosmo her real  
feelings... she had decided to do it after the pig came out, for  
maximum effect or something. Now was the time.  
  
"Cosmo, I--"  
  
"Wonder how much PSI that sucker needs," Cosmo had wondered  
aloud. "Hey, I'm gettin' a little aired out too. You want a  
pink foamy beverage?"  
  
"--eh?"  
  
"Soda, dudette. Want a caffeine loaded, sugar enhanced,  
sure to send you six feet under cup of death? I'm parched."  
  
"Err, okay," Sunshine agreed, immediately regretting it.   
She let a chance slip through her fingers... but she could just  
tell him when he got back, couldn't she? And time it for a  
perfect spittake for comedy effect! Yeah, this might work.  
  
"BRB," Cosmo acronymed, climbing over the seats and patrons  
to make his way to the aisle.  
  
The band coasted off that song and launched into 'High  
Hopes'. Sunshine sat through all eight minutes, wondering where  
Cosmo went. He stopped losing his way shortly before they  
switched concert tours, so he couldn't be LOST... could he?  
  
Sunshine got up from her seat, smoothed out her flower print  
dress, and picked her way through the crowd towards the beverage  
stands. She never got there, though.  
  
"Jusenkyo water, miss?" a short guy in a tacky suit asked.   
Sunshine looked down.  
  
"What's Jusenkyo water?"  
  
"Miracle water! Turns you into anything you want, thirty  
one flavors available. 'course, a cutie like you probably  
doesn't need this stuff, eh?"  
  
"No thanks," Sunshine said, pushing the imp aside. "I'm  
busy looking for someone."  
  
"Ah! You need Spring of Drowned Navigator!" the man  
suggested, running around Sunshine to block her way again. "A  
real steal at five dollars. Very utilitarian."  
  
"No thanks."  
  
"Missy, I'm running low on sales here," the man said. "Come  
on, help out a passing tourist on his way back to Japan. Only  
five bucks. Whaddya say?"  
  
"If I pay you, will you go away?"  
  
"My word is my bond!" the man said, flashing a boy scout  
sign with a girl's panty draped over it. "Whoops, how'd that get  
there? Five spot, please."  
  
Sunshine fished the money out of her pocket and dropped the  
crumpled bill in the man's tray. He in turn picked a bottle out  
of his rack and splashed her with it.  
  
"Oops!" he exclaimed. "Wrong bottle."  
  
"Wuffle?" Sunshine wuffled, ears flopping around.  
  
"Sorry, but hey, what'd you expect for five bucks, quality?   
Gotta go! Wooo hooo!"  
  
"WUFFLE!" she called, but the annoying little man was into  
the crowd and out of sight. She hopped her way towards the  
refreshment stands, uneasy on her new floppy feet, trying to cope  
with a body that clearly wasn't her own...  
  
COSMO!  
  
There he was, in all his day-glo glory. Sunshine bounced  
over to him, tugging at a tied-up pantleg.  
  
"...no, you 'ficially said Jolt was only fiver. Anyway,  
ain't it a rip to sell two dollar soda at five a gulp? What kind  
of corporate vampire stooge-brain decided this?" Cosmo argued  
with the proprietor.  
  
"Wuffle!"  
  
"Eh?" Cosmo sounded, looking down. "Hey, a bunny. You  
lost, cotton tail dude?"  
  
"WUFFLE!" (which translates to It's me you dolt, some moron  
changed me into a rabbit)  
  
"Concert ain't no place for a rabbit, furry friend. Well,  
fear not, I've got plenty of room for a rabbit type dude in my  
pack," Cosmo said, picking Sunshine up by the scruff of her neck.   
"I'll find you some carrots or something. I think my roadie  
budette Sunshine has a few... got a name?"  
  
"Wuffle..."  
  
"Okay, I'll name ya Floyd, in honor of the great band  
playing yonder," Cosmo said. "Let's go absorb the rest of the  
concert and find you some fresh greens or something."  
  
And that, as they say, was that.  
  
Now, though, she knew of a way to reverse the curse. A way  
to finally hook up with Cosmo in human form! But...  
  
Would he really be interested in seeing her again?  
  
For all he knew, she ditched him back then, dropped like a  
hot potato. Maybe he didn't want anything to do with her. He  
WAS trying to interact with this Akane person so badly... who  
looked just like her... is that a good or a bad sign?  
  
She needed help. She was a stranger in a strange land,  
surrounded by far stranger people. Luckily, her parents were  
Japanese, and they made a point of forcing the language on her  
way back when. Tongue barrier wouldn't be a problem... but who  
to seek out? Who could she ask for guidance from?  
  
"Akane? Did you dye your hair again?" Nabiki asked, peeking  
into the bathroom. "And weren't you just downstairs?"  
  
"Nabiki? Right?" Sunshine asked. "Look, I gotta talk to  
you. Bad. You seem level headed enough compared to most of the  
people in this house..."  
  
"I pride myself on that. What's wrong?"  
  
"First of all, my name's not Akane."  
  
*  
  
"...so essentially Big Bad Little Sis is coming to town and  
I have a nasty feeling she's gonna put Ryouga in a box," Cosmo  
finished.  
  
"You're right, that is a sticky situation," Akane nodded.  
  
"Well, what can I do?" Cosmo asked. "I mean, Ryouga's  
stubborn, but Iyanako's worse. At least Ryouga got some  
attention as being a fighter, Iyanako was cheerfully ignored as  
just a nice girl who the family could dress up. She's almost the  
definitive poster girl for all the bitterness and resentment of  
Generation X."  
  
"Generation what?"  
  
"American term," Cosmo explained. "Be happy Japan hasn't  
adopted it. Anyway, by my calculations, she's gonna show anytime  
from two days from now to a week. That's not much time."  
  
"Ryouga's a pretty good fighter himself, even if Ranma  
always wins against him," Akane said. "He could do okay."  
  
"Sis is scary, Akane. She can break rocks with her pinky.   
Remember the small landslide at Mt. Fuji? On TV from a year  
ago?"  
  
"Uh huh?"  
  
"Apparently she was on vacation with the family and Mom  
wouldn't let her get a candy bar at the vending machines."  
  
"Come on, you're exaggerating," Akane laughed.  
  
"No joke!"  
  
"Why're you so afraid of her? I'm sure she could listen to  
reason. You're pretty convincing."  
  
"I trained her myself, those years ago," Cosmo said. "She  
was a pent up ball of terror then. I was amazed at how the girl  
could channel her anger into her fighting! By two months into  
training I had to stop sparring unless I wanted to get visible  
injuries. She wasn't that skilled, mind you, but when you're  
that insane and that strong a little skill goes a long way. I  
hoped martial arts would make her wiser, but she just used it as  
a tool to get what she wanted... ugh. I was a fool to think I  
could do that. Kinda like Obi-wan and Darth Vader from Empire  
Strikes Back. Ever see that flick? S'pretty good on the THX  
remastered disc version."  
  
"Can't say I have," Akane said.  
  
"Rats. Now I can't explore the metaphor."  
  
"Maybe she's gotten worse in the two years you've been gone.   
She might not be good at fighting anymore."  
  
"Unlikely. If anything, she's been training secretly,  
honing on what SHE thinks is important. Kinda like a cruise  
missile. You mung up the navigation computer and it can nuke  
anything it wants. Uncontrolled."  
  
"I'm sure you'll think of something before the fight  
starts."  
  
"I hope. I just wish my sibs would realize that power ain't  
everything."  
  
Cosmo leaned back against the wall, sipping Kasumi's  
(freshly made) lemonade. "I'm glad you're sitting still to  
listen to me rant here. Ryouga just tells me to bug off, Floyd  
can't exactly talk back, and the only other person I know here  
beyond two words is Ranma."  
  
"Fat chance trying to carry on a conversation with RANMA,"  
Akane sneered. "He'd just insult you after two minutes."  
  
"You two don't get along much, do you? I thought you were  
engaged."  
  
"In name only," Akane warned. "Although... don't get me  
wrong, Ranma isn't a total flaming screwball baka all the time,  
but sometimes he just doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut."  
  
"Tomboy!" Ranma called, hanging down from the ceiling and  
making a face. Akane calmly pulled him from his clandestine  
listening spot and slammed him into the ground.  
  
"Eavesdropper!" Akane accused. "How rude! Sneaking up on  
someone and listening in to a private conversation!"  
  
"Hi, Ranma," Cosmo greeted, not sure what else to say.  
  
"Don't give me that," Ranma demanded, peeling his face from  
the floorboards. "Sheesh, Cosmo, you are so obvious."  
  
"Como?" Cosmo asked, a bit confused.  
  
"I mean, with you playing all Mr. Nice around Akane and  
doing the sweet nothings in the ear routine. Can't stay away  
from her for a minute, can you?"  
  
"RANMA!" Akane accused.  
  
"Come on, you see how he is around you," Ranma humphed.   
"All smiles and kind words. He's been spending most of every day  
here since he arrived. And from how you react to it, I could  
swear you LIKE him."  
  
"Ah, cripes, I see this coming," Cosmo said. "Alright, head  
off at the pass time. Ranma, I'm not playing suitor here.   
Akane's just a friend, man, calm it down a bit."  
  
"Exactly," Akane nodded.  
  
"Come on, he's just like Kunou, with his weird poetic  
talking and praise," Ranma said. "I oughtta treat this hentai  
just like I do him, too!"  
  
Cosmo yelped, ducking a punch which went through the wall he  
was sitting against.  
  
Akane promptly pulled a wooden sword out the air and smacked  
Ranma away. "Quit picking on Cosmo-kun! We were just talking,  
you loon!"  
  
"I understand you used to be king of hill in Ryouga's  
family," Ranma said. "Let's see how much you remember, Cosmo.   
Dojo. Five minutes. You lose, you quit playing gentleman caller  
to Akane here. See you there."  
  
"That fool," Akane commented loud enough for Ranma to hear  
it as he walked away. "Can't I talk to a boy for five minutes  
without him getting in the way?"  
  
"It's to be expected, from what you've said," Cosmo said,  
pulling himself back into sitting position. "Every boy who's  
tried to talk to you so far *has* had ulterior motives. Ranma's  
just jealous. I can follow the logic and come to the same  
conclusion."  
  
"Not EVERY... I mean... Ryouga doesn't."  
  
"Okay, one fluke," Cosmo waved away. "Argh. I'd rather  
not, make that WILL not go trashing Ranma over a silly little  
soap opera misunderstanding. Will he go away if I just don't  
show up for the brawl?"  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"I thought as much," Cosmo groaned. "Okay, I'll think of  
something. Don't worry, Akane, I promise I won't hurt him."  
  
"Go ahead and hurt him all you like! It's fun!" Akane  
noted, brightly.  
  
"Come on, you don't mean that, do you?" Cosmo asked. "You  
really want Ranma to get slaughtered?"  
  
"Well... not SLAUGHTERED... but you know... just..."  
  
"I get the pic," Cosmo nodded, with a knowing wink. "I  
think I know how to handle this. Don't worry, I'll be back in a  
few minutes."  
  
*  
  
Ranma practiced a few kicks in the air, working himself up  
for the fight. Honestly, Cosmo had some nerve to think he could  
just come and go as he pleased and try to parley up to Akane like  
that! He was just as stupid as his brother, and just as  
annoying. I mean... just freely talking like that... and the way  
she didn't knock him into the stratosphere or complain... the  
nerve of it! ARGH!  
  
The dojo door slid open. "Excuse me, I'm looking for the  
john," Cosmo said, walking in.  
  
"Very funny. You ready?"  
  
"No, but I don't think it matters," Cosmo said. "Why is it  
that just having me chat with Akane is so doubleplus ungood,  
Ranma?"  
  
"Nobody just 'chats' with Akane!" Ranma yelled, rushing in  
for an attack. Cosmo neatly jumped over Ranma, landing behind  
him. "Do you have any idea how many guys are chasing after her?   
INCLUDING your dear brother?"  
  
"Eh?" Cosmo asked, leaning left to avoid a punch. "Really?   
Wow! I didn't know. He never said. Explains why he tried to  
shy me away from her in the first place!"  
  
"He was right to do it!" Ranma said, missing a kick.  
  
"Man, she got protective overlords or something?" Cosmo  
asked, ducking. "Surprising. Why not let HER decide who to  
interact with? Or is this like one of those war treaties where  
the enemy doesn't get to participate?"  
  
"Pipe down and fight me!"  
  
"Man, you're ticked. Could it be that secretly you're  
somewhat jealous because she never talks to you beyond 'Baka!'  
and 'Hentai!'?"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"Okay, okay, I won't dip into that subject," Cosmo nodded,  
simultaneously avoiding a series of high kicks. "Look. Ranma.   
Dude. I promise you I don't got ANY romantic conceptuals here.   
Just looking for a friendly face, yaknow?"  
  
Ranma ignored him, and kicked into tenshin amaguriken mode,  
throwing 518 punches in Cosmo's direction, who stepped two feet  
to the left. Every punch missed.  
  
"This is getting dull," Cosmo commented.  
  
"Tell me about it," Ranma replied, turning to face his  
enemy.  
  
"Wanna stop for a moment?" Cosmo suggested.  
  
"For a moment," Ranma agreed, skipping backwards a few  
steps.  
  
"Look, you're her fiancee, not me," Cosmo said. "I don't  
pretend to make any declarations on her. Is it that hard to  
believe that a male has an interest in her beyond basic Manic  
Depressive Obsessive?"  
  
"Fairly hard to believe, yes," Ranma said, panting. "You've  
succeeded where the others fail, though. You've actually  
befriended her. She hasn't kicked you into low earth orbit ONCE.   
She hasn't hit you, hasn't yelled, hasn't done anything  
unpleasant."  
  
"Thought oughtta be a clue," Cosmo said. "She's not mad  
because I'm not trying to move in on any territory or anything.   
I can get why you're miffed, though. Look, if you can answer me  
this one question, I'll leave now and never come back. If you're  
not happy about the engagement either, why do you give a care  
that I'm being friendly with her? Why not let some other guy  
walk off with her so you can be rid of the obligation?"  
  
"..." Ranma started.  
  
"Thought so. Listen, Ranny -- may I call you that?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ranny, I'm gonna be gone in a week or two. I just came to  
visit my brother and clear up some family business. If you catch  
me trying to make a genuine romantic play on your Akane ONCE in  
that time period, you have full permission to beat the living  
hell out of me. Sound fair? And not just talking, I mean real  
sloppy kisses or bouquets of flowers or little boxes of chocolate  
and the like."  
  
"Fair enough," Ranma said. "We'll see if you can live up to  
that promise."  
  
"I don't think it's gonna be that hard," Cosmo smiled.  
  
*  
  
"...and that's the whole story," Sunshine finished, shifting  
uncomfortably on Nabiki's bedroom chair. "The long and short and  
medium sized of it."  
  
Nabiki thought hard. "So... he doesn't know that the rabbit  
he was carrying around was really you, and he doesn't know that  
you were going to profess love that night."  
  
"EXACTLY," Sunshine nodded. "I don't know what to do... he  
seems to like Akane, since he talks to her just like he used to  
talk to me. What should I do? Should I just go home? Should I  
greet him? What?"  
  
"Speaking from a business point of view, I think you can do  
better than this Cosmo guy," Nabiki said. "Frankly, he doesn't  
have any real world applicable skills that would put him in the  
upper tax brackets. There's no conceivable way he could provide  
for you to mooch off of him."  
  
"I don't need anyone who can provide for me. I have six  
million dollars left from the lottery I won three years ago."  
  
"Si... six... SIX million dollars?" Nabiki gaped, eyes  
popping wide. "Umm. First, I had better be up front and ask  
that you pay a small consulting fee for this session."  
  
"I don't have any of it on me, Nabiki. I've been a rabbit  
for two months. Bunnies lack pockets."  
  
"Oh. Can you wire it to me when you get a hold of one of  
your accountants?"  
  
"I could call my brother Norm and have him send some  
money..."  
  
"Good!" Nabiki said, shaking hands with the Akane look-a-  
like. "I'll consider that an IOU. Hmm. As for the situation,  
I'm going to have to advise you to have a nice tea, think the  
situation over, and go with whatever you think is best. That  
consultant advice tidbit will cost you half the session fee."  
  
"Uh... which is?"  
  
"I think two thousand US dollars will cover the whole deal."  
  
"Errr... thanks. I think."  
  
"Don't mention it!" Nabiki grinned. "Remember to settle  
your bill before leaving town."  
  
"Okay. Umm, bye," Sunshine waved, retreating backwards out  
of the room, wallet more or less intact.  
  
That wasn't much help, Sunshine thought. She needed to find  
out how Cosmo actually felt about her... but she couldn't talk to  
him DIRECTLY about it. What could she do? How could she  
indirectly have an intimate conversation with someone who  
couldn't know who she was? And was there a double negative  
anywhere in that idea?  
  
Hmm.  
  
There was ONE thing she could try.  
  
Sunshine walked the long journey of two feet to the upstairs  
bathroom, and ruffled through the medicine cabinet.  
  
*  
  
The last tree in the vacant lot went down under Ryouga's  
crushing blow, joining its comrades in kindling spirit.  
  
"You seen Floyd, bro?!" Cosmo called from the Tendo yard,  
dashing his way towards to the lot. "I've been looking for him  
all morning with Akane. Him and her piglet, of course. What is  
it with pets 'n getting unlocated? It's just like my pet Hollis  
when I was six!"  
  
"Your goldfish?" Ryouga asked, trying to remember.  
  
"Yeah. Fish got lost. Go fig," Cosmo said, climbing over  
the lot fence.  
  
"Mom flushed him," Ryouga said, looking for another object  
to hit.  
  
"F... flushed?" Cosmo gulped. "Umm. I'm rather upset about  
that."  
  
"Get over it, brother. It was a fifty yen goldfish."  
  
"It was one of the many living creatures on the planet!"  
Cosmo complained. "It had life! Although you're right, it was  
only fifty yen. Perspective deal. I do hope Floyd's okay..."  
  
"Cosmo? Are you out here?" Akane asked, popping up from  
behind the fence.  
  
"Right here, Akane!" Cosmo waved. "Found P-Chan yet?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"You know, oink oink squeal bwee. The other white meat."  
  
"Oh. Err, no. Can we talk for a moment?" Akane asked.  
  
"Certainly," Cosmo said. "Ryouga, go back to... whatever it  
is you have to go back to. I'll be right back."  
  
Ryouga nodded quickly, trying to contain himself. WHY did  
his brother have to pursue the one he loved? Was he just looking  
for a way to outdo Ryouga, now that Ryouga had his family title?   
He knocked over a boulder to keep from yelling out loud in anger.  
  
Training. Must concentrate on training. Besides, Cosmo  
wouldn't be dumb enough to try anything funny with Akane. Ryouga  
grabbed a few stray boulders and started lifting them.  
  
*  
  
"So what's on your mind, Akane?" Cosmo asked, hopping off  
the wooden fence to join her on the Tendo side of The Wall.  
  
"I've been thinking. You know that nice girl you kept  
mentioning? Sunshine, I think?" Akane started. "Whatever  
happened to her?"  
  
"You know, Akane. She must have wandered off or got lost or  
something. Wish I knew that myself, I think I have some more  
hours on this 7-11 charge card, maybe I could jingle the ringer  
for her and converse at cheesy LD line quality..."  
  
"So you do want to talk to her again!"  
  
"Of course. She WAS my road companion for a year plus."  
  
"Road companion," Akane repeated.  
  
"Yes, those were the words I spoke. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Umm... Well, you see, this Sunshine person... she seemed  
nice. Really nice. What'd you think of her?"  
  
"Uh... nice, I guess," Cosmo said. "Really nice. She  
taught me stuff to survive stateside and have fun... much saner  
than my pack at the Dead tour... generally cool all around and  
wacky."  
  
"Did you ever..." Akane asked, trying to form each word  
carefully. "You know, have a thing for her?"  
  
"Thing?" Cosmo asked. "I don't know, she didn't seem very  
interested in a 'thing'. At least not that I could have seen.   
Umm, Akane, once again : why are you asking? Why the sudden  
interest--"  
  
"Well, DID YOU?" Akane asked, keeping Cosmo on subject.  
  
"Yaah! Well, maybe, possibly, kinda, umm. I never thought  
about it because I didn't think she wanted that or something like  
that to that extent and for crying out loud WHY do you want to  
know?!"  
  
"Alright, so if you maybe possibly KINDA had a thing for  
her... here's the biggie : do you have a thing for me? A thing  
for Akane."  
  
"Am I supposed to?" Cosmo asked, getting more and more  
erratic by the moment.  
  
"Of course! Ranma can see it, Ryouga can see it. Even your  
rabbit can see it."  
  
"But it ain't! Akane, I was never TRYING to have a thing  
with you. Why doesn't anybody believe that? WHY ARE YOU  
ASKING?"  
  
"Because I *AM* Sunshine, silly!" Akane said, bopping Cosmo  
playfully over the top of the head. "I dyed my hair to ask you  
subtle-like. Sheesh, Cosmo, you can be DENSE sometimes."  
  
"S... Sunshine?!" Cosmo gasped. "Man! I never realized how  
much you looked like Akane! Dang! Talk about your Twilight Zone  
encounters... Umm. Were you serious back there about 'things'?   
How long have you had a 'thing' for me, or were you kidding?"  
  
"Since the day I met you, silly," Sunshine smiled. "I was  
GOING to tell you that night at the Floyd concert, but I bumped  
into an annoying little wretch selling Jusenkyo water... and  
kinda... turned into a rabbit."  
  
"A rabbit? FLOYD!" Cosmo recognized. "Man, the IRONY! You  
stuck by me all that time, even though I treated you like a pet?"  
  
"I had to do SOMETHING other than crawl into a hutch and  
rot. You didn't give me much of a choice in the matter anyway.   
I still wanted to be with you, Cosmo, rabbit or not."  
  
"Wow. This is like completely amazing! I'm amazed! Or  
something. Wow! Did I mention I'm amazed?"  
  
"Shut up and kiss me before you lose total grasp of the  
language," Sunshine said, jumping forward and into Cosmo's  
panicked arms in less than a second.  
  
The problem with standard wooden fencing is that it isn't  
much of an iron curtain. There are gaps, knotholes, and plenty  
of ways to see what's happening on the other side. It is not  
recommended for installation if you want people to avoid seeing a  
romantic moment, for example.  
  
"COSMO!!!" Ryouga bellowed, perched on the top of the fence  
like a vulture eyeing its prey. "How DARE you do that to Akane?!   
PREPARE TO DIE!"  
  
"Eh?" Cosmo twerked, wrenching his head away from Sunshine  
just in time to have it be used as a living springboard by an  
enraged Hibiki. Cosmo fell flat on his back, sprawled out in  
surprise. (Hibikis are traditionally used as stepping stones,  
but needless to say, Cosmo was still surprised.)  
  
Another problem with fences is that they're not two-way  
blockers. If you're on one side of the fence, anybody on that  
side can also see what you're doing. Ranma, for instance,  
happened to be on the Tendo side of the fence at the moment.  
  
"COSMO! You SAID you weren't going to do anything like  
that!" Ranma yelled, running in and stomping Cosmo as well.   
"Prepare for the beating you deserve!"  
  
"hi... ranny.." Cosmo sputtered halfheartedly.  
  
"Don't Ranny me. I warned you ONCE to stay away from Akane,  
and I'm not going to do it again!"  
  
"Me first, Ranma! This is a family matter!" Ryouga  
interjected. "I get to pound him first, then you can have what's  
left."  
  
"*I'M* her fiancee!"  
  
"He's *MY* brother!"  
  
"Can I say something?" Sunshine asked, trying to get into  
the argument.  
  
"NO!" Ranma and Ryouga resounded.  
  
"Okay, okay, sheesh, just trying to help," Sunshine said,  
backing off.  
  
Cosmo shook his head, trying to regain focus. "Guys... I  
can explain this, really..."  
  
"The time for words is over, Cosmo!" Ryouga threatened.   
"Prepare to die!"  
  
"I'm not in the mood to prepare for anything," Cosmo said,  
hopping back to his feet. "Forget this. I'll come back when you  
two cool off. Come on, hun, let's amscray."  
  
"Wha?" Sunshine started, before Cosmo got a good hold and  
leaped over the inappropriate-for-privacy fence with her.  
  
"COSMO, GET BACK HERE!" Ryouga yelled, bounding over the  
fence in hot pursuit. Ranma wasn't very far behind, and slowly  
gaining.  
  
*  
  
BOING. BOING. BOING. Rooftops aren't normally very bouncy  
surfaces. Fortunately, these were particularly bouncy kids.  
  
Cosmo leapt from rooftop to rooftop, occasionally flashing  
panicked glances at the two pursuers behind him.  
  
"What's gotten INTO them?" he asked Sunshine, who was  
currently being carried. "Man, they really freaked out!"  
  
"They must think I'm Akane," Sunshine said. "Shouldn't we  
just stop and explain?"  
  
"I don't think we'd get a chance," Cosmo said. "Damn. I  
hate rooftop chases. Are the streets vacant enough to safely  
tear through at Mach 1?"  
  
"I think," Sunshine said, trying to observe the road beneath  
them while bouncing around. "Hold still a minute."  
  
"If I hold still I get creamed. For once I wish Ryouga'd  
talk first and pound you later! How could this situation  
possibly--"  
  
"Don't say it!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't say 'how could this situation possibly get any worse'  
or it will!"  
  
"But dudette, YOU just said it," Cosmo noted.  
  
The two hopped in silence across a few blocks, considering  
this. Ryouga and Ranma were of course screaming their heads off,  
but other than that, it was silent.  
  
"Then again, actually, how could the situation POSSIBLY get  
worse?" Sunshine wondered.  
  
"Good point, hun. Always hope for the best. Okay... check  
the streets. Anybody there that we might bowl over if we touched  
down?"  
  
"Lesse, couple kids... taxi... some girl with a parasol..."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"You're not deaf, Cosmo. Some girl with a parasol."  
  
"The situation hath gotten worse," Cosmo said. "Damn.   
Okay. Which way is she going?"  
  
"Opposite us and falling behind. I don't think she saw.   
Who is it, anyway?"  
  
"Trouble. Jeez, leave it to Iyanako NOT to get lost when we  
really needed her lost! I'll turn left here and we'll stay away  
from her, THEN worry about the terrible twosome behind us."  
  
*  
  
"GET BACK HERE!" Ranma yelled to the couple a block ahead of  
them.  
  
"Out of the way, stupid!" Ryouga shouted, elbowing Ranma out  
of the way so he could take the lead in the chase. "This is  
family business, Ranma, don't interfere!"  
  
"Family? He's got my fiancee!"  
  
"What do YOU care?" Ryouga asked, as Ranma pushed by him.  
  
"I'm not letting ANY Hibiki treat Akane that way, not even  
your brother."  
  
"What, so my brother isn't good enough for her? You  
insulting my lineage?"  
  
"Jeez, Ryouga, give it a rest!" Ranma demanded. "We're  
trying to rescue Akane, not fight each other. Concentrate!"  
  
"Alright, alright," Ryouga said. "We've got to save Akane.   
You're right. HEY! They're stopping!"  
  
"Where? Where?"  
  
"There!" Ryouga pointed. "Right next to that water  
fountain. He's waving a white flag."  
  
"Let's mutilate him!" Ranma suggested, skidding to a halt on  
the rooftop and cracking his knuckles.  
  
"You idiot, white flag means surrender!" Ryouga said,  
stopping next to him. "You don't beat up people who surrender,  
it's not right."  
  
"He kidnapped Akane!"  
  
"So? It's not proper to maim someone who gives up of his  
own free will. Haven't you heard of war crimes?"  
  
"Your brother's wimp streak must be rubbing off on you,  
Ryouga," Ranma laughed. "You're starting to act like him."  
  
That's when the first punch was thrown.  
  
*  
  
"What're they doing?" Sunshine asked, trying to look through  
the glare of the sun at the rooftop.  
  
"I can't tell," Cosmo said, putting the white flag away.   
"Looks like a brawl, though. We may be lucky, perhaps they'll  
knock each other out and we can flee."  
  
"Why aren't you standing up to them?" Sunshine asked. "And  
where'd you get a white flag, anyway?"  
  
"I'm not fighting back because I don't, remember?" Cosmo  
said. "As for the flag, I stole it from a highway construction  
site in Des Moines. I think they used it to mark gas lines or  
something. I hope I packed my coffee mug..."  
  
"The color-changing Usenet hierarchy one?"  
  
"Yeah," Cosmo said, digging through his backpack. "Ah!   
Here it is. Good thing too, I think they've come to their senses  
and are climbing down."  
  
Climbing down in a manner of speaking. Currently, Ryouga  
was trying to kick Ranma off a drainpipe, while Ranma was biting  
his foot. In a way, they were making a general downward  
progression, but it couldn't technically be called 'climbing'.  
  
"They'll be here any minute," Sunshine said. "What do you  
need your mug for?"  
  
"I'm going to rinse the dye out of your hair and show them  
you're not really Akane," Cosmo said, filling the mug at the  
water fountain. "They don't look like they wanna mince words,  
but if a picture is worth a thousand of 'em..."  
  
"Cos, if you do that, it'll trigger the--"  
  
"COSMO!" Ranma yelled, finally on the ground and breaking  
into a sprint.  
  
"Showtime," Cosmo said to Sunshine, rearing back with the  
mug. Sunshine started to duck, but wasn't fast enough; the water  
hit her full in the face.  
  
Ranma pounced, knocking Cosmo to the ground as the two  
tumbled to a halt on the other side of the street.  
  
"Wait!" Cosmo begged, trying to worm his way away from the  
enraged Saotome. "Look! It's not Akane! Really!"  
  
"What, your stupid pet rabbit?" Ranma asked, freeing an arm  
to point to the annoyed mammal. "What'd you do with Akane? WHAT  
DID YOU DO WITH AKANE?"  
  
"Akane's still at home!" Cosmo said. "That's not her, man,  
it's my old girlfriend from the States. She's got a Jusenkyo  
curse and she had dyed her hair to fool me! Really! You better  
believe it, man, it's the righteous truth!"  
  
"Ha! What a pathetic story!"  
  
"He's telling the truth, Ranma," Ryouga said in a  
surprisingly calm voice. Ranma blinked, and turned around from  
his ready-to-bash-Cosmo's-brains-out pose to see Ryouga  
scratching Floyd behind the ears. Strange, the black  
discolorations on Floyd's fur...  
  
"Who's side are you on, Ryouga?" he inquired.  
  
"My brother's," Ryouga said, setting the rabbit down.   
"Cosmo may be a freak who wears dumb clothing, and he may be a  
wimp, but he's a family wimp and I know for a FACT that he is NOT  
a liar. Never has been one, and never will be."  
  
"That's layin' it on him, bro, mucho gracias," Cosmo  
thanked, relieved he was saved a beating.  
  
"What, you believe this cockamamie story of his?" Ranma  
asked. "Come on! NOTHING that ridiculous could be true!"  
  
This is the time when the soundtrack would kick in a lot of  
bass in the form of a low earth rumble. It didn't have to,  
though; Ranma was rumbling of his own accord as the person  
underneath him did an Anger Shake deal.  
  
"RIDICULOUS?!?!" Cosmo screamed, knocking Ranma off his  
person. "Ridiculous. Man oh man, are you in it. Ranma, how the  
hell can you call a rabbit shapechanger with dyed fur ridiculous  
when you are SURROUNDED by ridiculousness? Nerima borders on the  
surreal! Since I've gotten here I've been subjected to people  
with multiple fiancees, aquatranssexuals, enough conflicts to  
make a good TV miniseries out of and more mayhem than you can  
wave a white slow-riding Bronco at! How can you DARE to call the  
truth ridiculous when you accept things far weirder as normality  
on a daily basis?!"  
  
Ranma backed off, not expecting this anger streak in the  
known pacifist. Cosmo would have been glowing bright blue if he  
was in a wacky cartoon series and not reality.  
  
"You know, BUD, I've had to put up with your accusations  
ever since I got here, since you refuse to accept the truth  
because you consider it too implausible in a city that Sigmund  
Freud would hemorrhage at seeing. First you claim I'm sucking up  
to Akane despite my denying it, and now you're DIRECTLY calling  
me a liar when the truth is so obviously in front of your beady  
little eyes? Ranma, you're NOT A NICE PERSON!"  
  
"Whoa, heh heh, Cosmo my man, it was just a joke..." Ranma  
lied. "Jusenkyo rabbit! Hair dye! Okay, maybe it's possible,  
make that IS possible--"  
  
"I feel like beating your face against the ground until it  
resembles spam on rye," Cosmo growled, letting the words slide  
from the left side of his mouth to the right.  
  
"Alright, then if it's a fight you want, I'll fight you!"  
Ranma said, getting back some of his nerve. "Bring it on!"  
  
"That's just the thing," Cosmo said, dropping to normal  
decibels. "I don't WANT to fight you. You're annoying, but I'm  
not gonna break my vow. Nobody's THAT annoying. Sorry, Ranma.   
Hit Ryouga, you'll feel better."  
  
"What?!" Ryouga asked, looking up in surprise. Ranma span  
around and clocked Ryouga across the jaw, sending him spinning.  
  
"Ranma, I was kidding," Cosmo noted.  
  
"Huh? Oh. Sorry," Ranma apologized, rubbing his hand.   
"Actually, I do feel better."  
  
"Glad to help," Cosmo shrugged. "I would go and look for  
hot water for Sunshine here apres demanding an apology, but we've  
got more pressing problems. Is Ryouga alive?"  
  
"Present," Ryouga said, stumbling back to balance.  
  
"Sunshine spotted Iyanako three blocks west and headed  
straight for the dojo," Cosmo said. "She must be rather upset to  
be able to find her way that well."  
  
"Already?" Ryouga asked. "But... I'm not done training!"  
  
"You could run..." Cosmo suggested.  
  
"No way! I've got to stand up to her. It's for the good of  
the Hibiki dojo!"  
  
"Umm, what's he talking about?" Ranma asked.  
  
"It's complex," Cosmo winced. "Ranma, you go back home and  
tend to Akane. Consider the matter settled, sorry I flew off the  
handle there. Mind if we use the actual dojo part of your dojo  
for awhile to settle this? It beats explaining to Iyanako why we  
can't..."  
  
"Yeah, whatever," Ranma said. "I'm heading back. Cosmo...  
sorry about the mixup..."  
  
"Don't sweat it. Bumpups like that happen all the time,  
'seems. Ryouga, come on, you've got some serious last minute  
training to do."  
  
"Huh? You're gonna train me?"  
  
"Just because I don't use 'em doesn't mean I lose 'em, bro.   
You're gonna need every technique I know to take down Iyanako.   
Grab Sunshine and let's bolt, there's an empty alley down the  
street that'll serve nicely."  
  
*  
  
Iyanako stood her ground in the doorway of the Tendo dojo,  
facing the sun. She wanted this to be the way her baka brother  
finds her... ready to face him down for daring to take what she  
was planning to steal all by herself.  
  
The three Tendo sisters looked around the doorway, not sure  
what to make of this strange girl who barged into the house  
(breaking the door in the process) and made a beeline for the  
dojo, only to stop in the door and freeze up.  
  
"Maybe it's another long lost fiancee of Ranma's," Nabiki  
joked.  
  
"That's not funny," Akane replied.  
  
"Yes it was. What's she doing, anyway?" Nabiki asked.  
  
"Someone ought to go talk to her," Kasumi suggested.  
  
"That's wise, go converse with a lunatic gate-crasher. 'Hi  
there, how are things, will you be paying for that door?'" Nabiki  
mocked.  
  
"I'll go talk to her," Akane said.  
  
"Be careful!" Kasumi warned.  
  
Akane crept quietly over to the girl, before realizing that  
in all likelihood if she snuck up on the girl, the girl might  
attack. Instead, she made very loud, deliberate steps, but ones  
that said 'Hey, I'm a friend' not 'I've come to tear your throat  
out'.  
  
The girl didn't move. Akane took this as a good sign and  
walked up next to her.  
  
"Hey there," she experimented.  
  
The girl said nothing.  
  
"Nice weather we're having."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Okay, I'll bite, what're you doing here?" Akane asked,  
despite shushes from the peanut gallery by the door.  
  
"I'm waiting for my brother," the girl said simply.  
  
"...who is?"  
  
"Ryouga Hibiki."  
  
"Ryouga doesn't live here."  
  
"I've been told he frequents this dojo, so I have decided to  
challenge him here. I'm going to destroy him and become my  
family's champion."  
  
"Okay. I see. What if he doesn't show up?"  
  
"I'll wait here all day and night if I have to!" the girl  
vowed.  
  
"Oh my. I'd better go make some lemonade," Kasumi said from  
the door.  
  
*  
  
"That was the weirdest training session I've ever had,"  
Ryouga said, heaving and lurching from the intense workout.  
  
"How so?" Cosmo asked, checking the mouth of the alley they  
had ducked into for anybody carrying a parasol.  
  
"Because you never hit back, that's why," Ryouga said.  
  
"Yes I did," Cosmo said. "I just never CONNECTED. Recall  
those six rapid fire punches I nearly but did not land."  
  
"How can you train without hitting people?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Simple. You just don't hit them. It's easier than you  
think. Instead of stopping your fist two inches inside the body,  
you stop it two inches outside."  
  
"Is that still martial arts?"  
  
"It's the forms, ain't it?" Cosmo asked. "You wanted skill,  
you got it. Shame you can't do much with it other than harm  
Iyanako."  
  
"Okay, so I know your famous Hibiki Spinning Hook Kick, a  
few new escape techniques, and some punch combinations. Am I  
ready to take her on?"  
  
"The answer to that is a definite negatory, bro," Cosmo  
said. "Don't get me wrong, you've got the tacks down harder than  
she ever will, but she's still got you outclassed powerwise.   
You're fast, but not fast enough to take her down before she  
takes you out. All it takes is one lucky hit from her to put you  
in a chair or a box. This does not look prosperous."  
  
"It doesn't matter," Ryouga stated, wiping sweat from his  
brow. "I've got to challenge her. I'm the champion, and I've  
got to defend that title. Even if it means dying for it."  
  
"Now you know why I hated having it," Cosmo said.  
  
"Hard to keep?"  
  
"No, painful to keep. For both sides."  
  
"Which way to the dojo?" Ryouga asked. "You've got to lead  
me there. I don't want to get lost on my way to my triumph."  
  
"Funeral, you mean."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
*  
  
"Are you sure you don't want some lemonade?" Kasumi asked,  
offering the tray to Iyanako for the third time.  
  
"No thanks," Iyanako said. "I'm fasting until I defeat  
Ryouga Hibiki."  
  
"Determined, aren't we?" Nabiki asked, munching on a tea  
cookie. "So what'd he do to you?"  
  
"He dared to gain the title of family champion from my  
brother!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"I was going to do it first."  
  
"Ah. That's logical," Nabiki nodded, continuing on her  
cookie. "By the way, you pay for any damages to the dojo. New  
rule since they tore the roof off it last spring in a fight with  
our 'long lost sisters'."  
  
"Hey, I helped fix that, didn't I?" Akane reminded Nabiki.   
"It took awhile, but the roof's fine now."  
  
"Only after surplus purchases in wood and nails. We're  
lucky I managed to buy them by the gross from my contact at the  
shipping docks."  
  
"But--"  
  
*KNOCK*.  
  
The four girls looked up at the sound, which clearly came  
from the front of the house.  
  
"I think Ryouga's here," Akane said, wandering off to the  
dojo exit. "I'll go answer the door..."  
  
"Is there going to be any mass spillage of blood here?"  
Nabiki asked. "We haven't cleared your little bout with the  
owner of the house, and it would be impolite to make a mess..."  
  
"Ryouga's blood will wash my hands in victory!" Iyanako  
vowed, her third vow in as many days.  
  
"I'd better get a mop," Kasumi nodded.  
  
"Is she always that calm to impending doom and threats of  
mass violence?" Iyanako asked, confused.  
  
Nabiki nodded. "It's a knack."  
  
Akane led the opposing team around to the dojo entrance.   
Just as Iyanako wanted it; herself framed in the door in the  
light of the setting sun, ready to retake what was hers.  
  
She wasn't expecting a tackling hug from her older brother,  
however.  
  
"Iyanako! Long time no visibility!" Cosmo greeted  
physically, diving into a ticklefest. "How's everybody's  
favorite l'il girl, eh?"  
  
"OFF!" Iyanako shouted, easily tossing Cosmo across the  
room. Cosmo slid on his rear, and got up quickly.  
  
"Okay, we'll forgo family greets. Allow me a moment to  
console the doomed," he asked, leading Ryouga over to one corner  
of the room. Once he was out of earshot, he dipped into a low  
whisper. "I was hoping to sprain her ankle or something with  
that hello. Weird, from what I recall, she doesn't have good  
endurance but managed to survive that easily... just our luck,  
huh?"  
  
"You can't cripple her before a fight, it's unfair," Ryouga  
said. "Do you have any legal ideas to help me win this?"  
  
"Actually, no," Cosmo said. "Not yet. Gimmie a minute."  
  
"You're still a martial artist, inactive or not. What would  
you do if you were in my shoes?"  
  
"Run?" Cosmo suggested.  
  
"Why does Iyanako scare you so much?" Ryouga asked. "You've  
been nervous ever since hearing she was coming!"  
  
"I told you, man! She's a beast! Best student I ever  
trained. No, strongest, not best. She was regularly winning in  
fights with me before I went stateside! There's no way you're  
gonna win to her. Neither could I. I don't think ANYBODY could  
take her down. I'm GLAD Mom 'n Dad never gave her a chance. It  
would not have been pretty."  
  
"Well... I'll go down trying, then," Ryouga said, tightening  
his bandanna. "For the honor of the family."  
  
"Ryouga, man, don't DO dis," Cosmo pleaded, as Ryouga walked  
to the center of the dojo to confront his sister. "Akane, you  
and your sisters clear out. I don't want you getting hurt in  
this foolishness."  
  
"I don't need a second invitation," Nabiki said, walking  
calmly but quickly for the door. "Remember, Iyanako, you break  
it you bought it."  
  
"I've got... cooking to do," Kasumi covered, also exiting.  
  
"You SURE you're going to be alright, Ryouga?" Akane asked.  
  
"Positive," Ryouga lied. "But... given the slightest chance  
that I don't survive this... know that I'll... Akane, I guess  
it's a little late saying this, but I'll always lo--"  
  
"Time out!" Cosmo shouted, making a crude T with his hands.   
"Time out! Time out!"  
  
The three left in the room stared at him confused. Cosmo,  
visibly shaking, walked between the two Hibiki siblings.  
  
"I've got an idea," Cosmo said. "A bad idea, but the only  
one I could think of. Ryouga, you're fired."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I retract my wish to name you my successor!" Cosmo said.   
"Let me take Iyanako on. I'll fight her."  
  
(insert large scale face fault here)  
  
"You can't do that!" Ryouga claimed, after recovering. "You  
SAID I was number one. You told Dad!"  
  
"You still can be, just not now," Cosmo said. "I'll rename  
you later. Iyanako, I'm more skilled than he is. I'm the one  
you want to take down and you know it."  
  
"Back off, brother," Iyanako said. "My fight is with  
Ryouga, not you. You gave up your chance."  
  
"Yeah, but which of us been raggin' on you all these years?"  
Cosmo asked. "Who's the center of attention, the big cheese, the  
one mum 'n pop always talked about? They thought I was a god,  
considered Ryouga a lesser fighter, and thought you'd just be a  
kawaii housewife or something. Which of us ticks you off more,  
me or him?"  
  
Iyanako paused, glancing between the two brothers. Her will  
was crumbling and Cosmo knew it.  
  
"Which of us trained you to the point where you could beat  
us singlehandedly?"  
  
"You," Iyanako nodded.  
  
"Come on. Fight me. Let's end this farce in the here and  
now and present, all of which are the same things. You beat me  
you can be numero uno. You can't beat me, you accept it like a  
man. Woman. Whatever. Okay?"  
  
"I... I don't know..." Iyanako said, unsure of herself. "I  
thought Ryouga was... you know, the one..."  
  
"It was me up until two days ago. You had plans to take me  
out, even back when I was training you. I KNEW, Iyanako. Let  
those plans hit light and see what became of the fruits of your  
labor. Hit me with your best shot. Or are you too... GIRLY to  
do it?"  
  
"DIE, KOSUMO!" Iyanako roared, whipping the parasol from  
behind her neck and jamming it through the air where Cosmo's  
chest used to be. Cosmo wobbled back up, spine groaning from the  
stress of bending over backwards.  
  
"Cosmo, what are you DOING?!" Ryouga asked, backing off from  
the fight as Iyanako made more fierce stabs at bits of air where  
Cosmo was .1 seconds ago. "You're gonna get killed!"  
  
"Trust me, Ryouga! I've got an edge!" Cosmo yelled from the  
fray, ducking and skittering off like a crab to avoid a long  
parasol swipe.  
  
"Yeah, and it's on that parasol!" Ryouga replied.  
  
"For a change, could everybody SHUT UP and let me fight  
here?" Cosmo asked, sliding left and right to dodge the rain (no  
pun intended) of blows. "Normally I 'preciate heckles, but I  
kinda need to concentrate!"  
  
Ryouga nodded silently. Akane slid around the wall,  
avoiding the battlezone, eventually over to Ryouga's side to  
watch the fray.  
  
Thrust after thrust Cosmo deftly avoided, a few close calls  
ripping through his clothing but nothing more. Iyanako wasn't  
terribly fast, giving Cosmo some breathing room, but each swoosh  
of her parasol could be FELT by everybody in the room; chaos  
patterns swirled in the air around the combatants, causing small  
tsunamis to form in the distant corners of the dojo.  
  
"Quit dodging and FIGHT ME!" Iyanako demanded, popping the  
parasol open and spinning the bladed frills around. Wind whipped  
through her hair, conducting through the room and past all  
present.  
  
"I get it!" Ryouga commented to Akane. "He's doing the same  
thing he did to me. He's not fighting back. If she can't hit  
him, she can never claim to beat him! I just hope she doesn't  
make a tornado or anything and throw him off balance."  
  
"That's strange," Akane replied quietly.  
  
"It's working, isn't it?" Ryouga said. "It's not strange,  
it's not cowardice, it's just... fighting without fighting. All  
the forms of combat, all the ability and the style without the  
actual hurting people business... reduced down to who possesses  
more skill. It's Martial Arts Non-Violence!"  
  
"Righteous name job, man!" Cosmo said, overhearing the  
conversation and flashing the two a thumbs up. The thumb was  
nearly severed at the joint by a spinning bladed parasol.  
  
"Look out!" Akane warned.  
  
"Look out? What do you THINK I'm doing?" Cosmo asked,  
diving between Iyanako's legs to avoid the spinning blades.  
  
"But how does he expect to WIN like this?" Akane asked.   
"What if she lands a lucky blow?"  
  
"Cosmo wouldn't let that happen. Don't you see? He's good  
enough not to need to be good. He can fight by not being there,  
and the act of trying to catch up with him is tiring her out."  
  
"Fight... back... you... weasel!" Iyanako sputtered, clearly  
running out of steam. "What's wrong with you?"  
  
"I'm not going to hurt you, Iyanako! But I'd better warn  
you, I can keep this up for hours," Cosmo said, ducking and  
jumping two swipes of the spinning water repellant. "Can you?"  
  
"FIGHT ME!"  
  
"What do you THINK I'm doing?!"  
  
"Dodging!"  
  
"That's a fighting technique, isn't it? Think back to your  
training with me. What was the first lesson?"  
  
"Dodging..." Iyanako said, pausing in mid-swipe.  
  
"Exactly," Cosmo said, landing on his feet, but ready to  
take off at a moment's notice. "You've got this whole deal  
wrong. I never trained you to pound and beat and thrash and  
kill, I taught you how to lock forms and test your ability on  
another fighter. I'm winning in this fight because you're not  
good enough to get through that."  
  
"But... but... I'm the strongest! SEE?!" Iyanako said,  
slamming a fist through the dojo wall, creating a new entrance  
the size of a Volvo. Akane cringed at the sight of the  
splinters, figuring they'd need buckets for her father's tears at  
the sight of his redecorated dojo...  
  
"Strength, agility, endurance, wisdom. There are FOUR  
aspects to your training and you've dumped all but one. You're  
no martial artist, Iyanako, you're just a lousy weight lifter."  
  
"SHUT UP!" she yelled, swiping again, a wild, crazed swipe  
that Cosmo didn't even have to dodge.  
  
"It's true. Iyanako, chill and let's rethink this, okay?   
You're not suitable for number one yet. You've munged up your  
training. You're not going to be ready for a challenge until  
you've learned not only how to fight, but how to win, and how to  
deal with that win."  
  
"I don't get it," Iyanako said, lowering the parasol. "I  
thought I was ready, since I was clearly the strongest around..."  
  
"More to it than that. I'll make you a deal. Let me  
retrain you here into the true spirit of what you want. When you  
think you're ready, I mean really ready, not just mad, give it  
another shot. You just weren't destined to win today. There's  
nothing wrong with that, but you have to accept it."  
  
"But... but..." Iyanako stammered, parasol falling from her  
hands. "I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"  
  
With that, she collapsed to her knees, sobbing. The air  
around her settled down as Cosmo dropped the defensive posture  
and walked to her side. "I think I can handle the Battle Royale  
with cheese from here on, Ryouga. You and Akane go see how the  
other Tendos are doing and tell them the outcome. I think sis 'n  
I have some chatter to mix up."  
  
"You sure you'll be okay?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"'course. It's over. Oh, and take Sunshine," Cosmo said,  
taking off his backpack and opening it. He lifted the battered,  
unconscious rabbit out and carefully handed it to his brother.   
"I wasn't expecting to get into a fight, so I forgot to take her  
out of my pack. She's gonna slaughter me when she wakes up. See  
about getting her some hot water, I'm not used to dodging rabbit  
blows."  
  
*  
  
Sun set on Nerima, letting the day's weirdness wash away  
with the tides of the stars. Whatever grudges were held in the  
day faded away with the light, and whatever confusion was present  
in the light settled down into understanding.  
  
Cosmo stared out a sliding door in the dining room of the  
Tendo homestead, sipping a foamy beverage. The others were  
likewise lounged around, recuperating and relaxing from what had  
proved to be a hard day.  
  
"Ah, I dig night," Cosmo said, gazing at the stars from the  
dining room window. "S'a lot quieter. Plus stars look really  
funky after you've had six or seven cans of high sugar cola.   
How's my widdle Sunshine doing?"  
  
"Fine, no thanks to you. OW!" Sunshine yelped, as Kasumi  
applied disinfectant to one of her cuts. "I feel like a Shake  
and Bake drumstick."  
  
"I think I'd better get out of here before I add to the  
weirdness level of this town," Cosmo said. "I did what I came to  
do anyway. Iyanako's realized the err of her ways and is going  
to train proper, Ryouga got what he wanted and I'm finally out of  
the loop. Plus I got my girlfriend back at loss of hare  
companion."  
  
"Sounds like a full day," Akane nodded.  
  
"Has been. Alright, Ryouga, I officially rename you the--"  
  
"Don't bother," Ryouga said, waving the title away while  
slurping down lemonade.  
  
"Eh?" Cosmo asked, in mid-knighting motion. "Como? Que  
pasa?"  
  
"Cosmo, from what I saw tonight, I've got light years to go  
before I can even approach your skill level. I can't honestly  
take that title knowing how good you are, it'd be lying."  
  
"Ryouga, dude, I don't WANT it."  
  
"You DESERVE it," Ryouga said. "You're still a martial  
artist, just not the kind that hurts people. It takes far more  
skill to out-dance your opponent with martial arts forms than it  
takes to pound them into jelly. I don't care what Dad thinks of  
you, the way your dress, or they way you talk, you're still the  
best the family has to offer."  
  
"What about the dojo yaburis and the parental showoffing and  
all the other pomp and circumstance that goes with it?" Cosmo  
said.  
  
"It's your option to let it slide and ignore them, or show  
'em you still have it, you just have it your way."  
  
"I don't have anything!"  
  
"You do!" Ryouga rebutted. "Let's not get into a tennis  
match with the dos and don'ts, it's the truth and you know it."  
  
"Okay, so I do know how to pretend to kick people. Big  
deal. That's not fighting."  
  
"It is," Ryouga insisted. "Look, new martial arts forms  
emerge at a daily basis. I could name six or seven separate ones  
in this town alone. Make your own based on what you've always  
been trying to pound into my head."  
  
"What, 'Martial Arts Non-Violence'? Dad'd never approve."  
  
"He didn't approve of my nomination either, but he accepted  
it. He'll accept anything from his star pupil, weird or no.   
Just keep earplugs around."  
  
"I guess it's possible..." Cosmo mused. "I'll think about  
it. THINK, mind you. How about yourself? You going to practice  
this Martial Arts thingy of yours too?"  
  
"Of course not. I've still got to kill Ranma!" Ryouga said  
in jovial, well-meaning tones.  
  
"I heard that," Ranma called from across the room.  
  
"Not NOW, stupid, I mean later. We're celebrating right  
now," Ryouga said, tossing a pillow at him.  
  
"Whoo! Martial Arts Pillowfighting!" Cosmo laughed. "Well,  
gang, the lemonade's been nice, but the sooner we set out the  
better. Come along, Sunshine."  
  
"Oh? Are we going somewhere?" Sunshine asked, reapplying a  
band-aid that had fallen off.  
  
"Yeah. Shonen Knife's playing on the other side of Tokyo.   
I figure we could tour with them a little while to catch up on  
our home culture, then hop on an R.E.M. ticket and go back  
stateside for awhile."  
  
"I'm coming too, right?" Iyanako piped in with, injecting  
herself into the conversation. "You promised to train me. You  
had an idea about weather control or something, remember?"  
  
"I don't welsh on promises," Cosmo nodded. "You gonna be  
fine here without Team Dysfunctional hanging around,  
Ryougameister?"  
  
"Just fine," Ryouga nodded.  
  
KRAK-KATHOOOM, went the sky. Within moments, raindrops were  
tapping against the roof of the Tendo home and dojo, downpour  
pouring down outside.  
  
"Rain?" Sunshine gulped. "Come on, not now! I'm sick of  
hopping!"  
  
"You could use my parasol," Iyanako suggested.  
  
"It's too small," Sunshine said, moping. "Plus, I don't  
wanna get lacerated."  
  
"Mind if we stay one more night?" Cosmo asked sheepishly.   
"It's not like we'd be a problem. I mean, what else could  
possibly go wrong?"  
  
KNOCK KNOCK, the door went.  
  
The collective heads of the crowd turned to the front door.   
Who could that be, in the middle of a raging storm?  
  
WHAM went the door, struck down by bokken blade. Tatewaki  
Kunou burst into the room, dripping wet, with a wild look in his  
eyes.  
  
"The hurricane cometh!" he warned. "A horrible storm, the  
end is nigh! Akane Tendo, I must bring you to safety within the  
Kunou Family Storm Shelter, lest the winds of the heavens rend  
you asunder!"  
  
Kunou promptly charged through the room, grabbed Sunshine,  
and made his way through a previously nonexistent hole in the  
wall.  
  
The kids examined the Kunou-shaped hole, thinking roughly  
the same thing.  
  
"Sunshine hasn't gotten that hair dye out yet, has she?"  
Ryouga asked.  
  
"Cripes," Cosmo said. "Alright, come on, let's go knock the  
jerk over and get my rabbit back. You do the actual hitting for  
me, bro. One thing first : Ryouga, is it REALLY this bizarre  
here, or did I just come at a bad day?"  
  
"Are you kidding? This is a NORMAL day!" Ryouga laughed.  
  
"Tomorrow, then. I'm *definitely* leaving tomorrow," Cosmo  
vowed. "Could someone warm up the kettle for when we come back?"  
  
  
THE END  
  
-=-  
  
PHEW.  
  
That was truly a bizarre writing session. I had no plot  
planned past Cosmo's second encounter with the older Hibiki  
father; the rest I had to worm out of whim and the occasional  
head-butt meeting with my pals on AnimeMUCK, Mikado-san  
particularly. Like March of the Pigs, I wove a majority of the  
plot out of thin air. Supply and demand.  
  
On with the postscript. I actually did some research on  
this one, although not into Ryouga's background like I probably  
should have, but into names. With the help of Ame, Oyuki and  
several others on AnimeMUCK, I tried to develop good Japanese  
names for Cosmo and Iyanako. For Cosmo, I just wanted a good  
Japanese sound-a-like for the word 'Cosmo'. 'Kosumo' was  
suggested, and it seemed to work. For Iyanako, I tried to ask  
for a name that fit her personality (a pushy, stubborn little  
determined girl). I wanted something ending in Ko, and Iyanako  
was suggested. Seemed to work too.  
  
I'm slightly worried that Cosmo was too overpowered, much  
like the 'American Exchange Student Adventure' whatsit on  
world.std.com, but I tried to make up for this by having him be  
afraid of Iyanako (with good reason!) and take a few hits when he  
wasn't expecting them. Iyanako may show up in later stories or  
at least on RanmaMUCK; I got the idea of using her air current  
thingy as a weapon too late. I got the idea while rewatching my  
Viz tapes and seeing Kunou do something similar with a pointed  
stick.  
  
Cosmo's actual character evolved out of the idea of a tye-  
dye Ryouga, moving on the idea of a Ryouga clone who accidentally  
wanders into a Grateful Dead tour and becomes part of the tribe.   
I don't know much about Deadheads beyond the clothing and  
nourishments, so I skipped lightly across the subject where  
available. Originally, Cosmo was supposed to have a drowning pig  
curse too, to allow for some nice 'P-Chan' bits, but they just  
didn't seem to fit. Besides, it would lead more easily to  
Sunshine's discovery that her curse WASN'T permanent.  
  
Other than these quibbles, I'm quite proud of the story,  
which I hammered out (pulled out by force is more like it)  
between marathon One Must Fall sessions over the course of four  
days. I had to fight to encourage myself back to the keys,  
(hopefully) coming off a large writer's block in both the Ranma  
and FWLS departments. Shame I have/had this block of time during  
winter break and I couldn't get more writing out.  
  
Maybe I could do an offshoot series with the travels of  
Cosmo, Sunshine and Iyanako. Hmmm... 'Kimagure Tie-Dye Road'!  
  
Naah.  
  
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it.   
  
(Insert happy anime ending song with the word 'heart' in it here)  
  
-- Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (twoflowr@pixelscapes.com)  
Jan. 7, 1995  
 


End file.
